


Create

by cinnamon_vanilla



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-01-04 15:03:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18346070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamon_vanilla/pseuds/cinnamon_vanilla
Summary: You have been asked to produce at least a child with Petral Ral in a year's time for the sole purpose of creating a stronger and lasting army for humanity against the fight with titans. There will be no negotiation and no reediting of the conditions. We seek your understanding. - "Son of a bitch" Levi hissed.





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

 

Create

Definition: Bring (something) into existence

Chapter 1

* * *

 

There was tension in the air. Hanji could feel it when she inhaled a lungful of said air. Her eyes darted downward, uncharacteristically twitchy. Robotically, she took the sugar cube tong near her and started dropping sugar cube into her hot tea.

One sugar cube.

Two sugar cube.

Three sugar cube.

Four sugar…

“You are going to get diabetes,” the man across from her said dryly.

She looked up slowly, as though as someone had slapped her awake from a daydream and she was collecting herself. Her eyes zoned in to the man sitting opposite her who had spoken.

Shortest man in Humanity…nah, that was not right, Hanji corrected herself. Shortest man but Humanity’s Strongest soldier was sitting opposite her with his usual stoic look and eyes as bored as his soul.

And not knowing the fate that would come later.

Hanji gripped the handle of her tea cup and brought it to her mouth. Her hands trembled. The tea sloshed over the rim, spilling onto the table and dripping onto the floor. She peered over the rim of the cup as the man twitched, his grey irises narrowing at the sight.

He was up in a second, manifesting two rags out of nowhere and threw one at her to tell her to clean up. She obeyed without her usual resistance and that made him raised an eyebrow.

They were almost done when the door to the office swung opened and a tall blonde man with broad shoulder joined the duo, clicking the door shut quietly behind him.

The man’s countenance was grave. His sharp blue eyes were unusually dark and a frown creased his forehead, giving him the appearance of a man worn down by more things than he should have to bear.

“Levi and Hanji, as you all know the 57th expedition had went…” he chose his words carefully, but pulled short of vocabulary. The catastrophe was hard to put into words. “Had went in a way we did not expect,” he summarised vaguely. “After a brief meeting,” his frown deepened, foreshadowing an unpleasant news. “We have come to the conclusion that there is a need to increase our manpower in the Survey Corps.”

“Increase?” Levi was the first to speak, and that was a surprise in itself. Hanji, always the more inquisitive one would have fired a question. But she was painfully quiet.

“Yes,” Erwin replied tensely.

“Erwin, maybe there is another way-” Hanji started and her voice was exceptionally nervous.

“No. We do not have enough recruitment this time around. No one wants to join us,” the blonde man’s face was now so wrinkled in a frown, Hanji thought he may need an ironing.

“We always have a quota for-” The ponytail woman argued.

“The military recruitment is decreasing too,” Erwin said, his voice still composed, a deep contrast to Hanji’s raising one.

Levi stood in between them, hearing them talk in a way that clearly did not make sense to him. Something was off.

“Oi,” he finally cuts in. The two occupants in the room who were still discussing fell silent.

“Erwin,” Levi slowly eased the blonde man into his vision. Long-time comrade, and the man he had started out as despising but now was his most respected commander, was staring at him. He was waiting. Levi narrowed his gaze. “Am I missing something here? I was not aware that I would not be given the same information as Hanji. Unless I am or was demoted.”

Erwin exchanged a look with the woman behind Levi. The raven hair man felt a twinge of irritation. What the fuck? They were hiding something from him. He was certain now.

When both people refused to speak again, Levi snapped. He never said he was a patient man. “You two may be tall here but don’t be ridiculous. I could see the glances exchanged between both of you.”

Erwin was the first to speak. “Levi, I think we ought to sit down.”

That was when all of them realised that they were still standing, postures stiff and faces serious. Levi conceded, pulling the nearest chair next to him.

Erwin and Hanji, much to Levi’s annoyance, made the show of pouring cups of tea and pulling their chairs out slowly. When Erwin and Hanji finally settled down in an excruciatingly slow pace, the former cleared his throat. “We need to increase our manpower somehow…or produce a capable soldier that will lead us to success with our expedition. The government is complaining about the tax we used every time we head out. Taking into account the latest…death counts, the government was pressurised by the citizens to do something about us. If nothing is done, the Survey Corps faced a very big existential crisis.”

“Even if we stop the expedition, they just use the citizens’ taxes for their own pleasures, anyway,” Levi retorted. His face scrunched up into disgust. Stupid Sina’s pigs.

“I agree the government is corrupted,” Erwin answered. “But this time around, it is more than the tax issue – it is about the citizens complaining that there were too many deaths. Meaningless sacrifices.”

Levi had no comment about that. His heart clenched as he thought of his squad. Each of them passed through his mind carefully and slowly, letting him drink in their broken features in death. Her smile was the last image that flitted through his mind before Hanji interrupted.

“We have a plan,” Hanji said quietly. Something about her tone made Levi inside icy but he pushed it away. Hanji and quiet should never be together.

He watched as Hanji fidgeted in her seat for a little, obviously not wanting to talk about her plan. Levi knew her well enough.

“Levi Heichou,” the woman finally said and her voice had swapped from a casual serious tone to a very formal one. The raven hair man felt the first bite of warning in him. “Erwin Smith and Hanji Zoe proposed that we select a pool of exceptional talented soldiers and either retired female soldiers or willing females to breed and give birth to an elite group of soldiers.”

Levi was bringing his tea to his mouth when he paused. The teacup slipped from his usually steady hands that held the swords that killed dozens of titans. The porcelain cup shattered, making an incredibly loud sound in the quietness that lingered in the room. Amber liquid snaked their way on the floor, staining it, and making its way toward his boots.

Yet, Levi made no indication that he would move.

“Le-” Hanji reached out, concern in her voice. Her hands barely brushed his before he pulled it away hastily.

“You want the soldiers to be farm animals? Reduced to breeding? This is a fucking blasphemy and an irony. We vowed to get out of this fucking mess because we want to be free. But, you want to subject people to being fucking cattle? Are you out of your mind or is this a joke? A very sick one,” he snarled.

Hanji flinched, her eyes showing her reluctance. However, the third occupant who had been silent till now, spoke.

“It is not an easy decision for us either. So many sacrifices to be made. More promises to be broken. But I believe that this is necessary for Survey Corps to survive. It needs to survive because only then, can humanity be free.”

“We tie our own soldiers down to give them freedom?” Levi asked coldly.

Erwin shrugged. “Small sacrifices must be made for bigger returns.” The man swept his cold and calculating gaze over Levi. “Trust me with this, like you always do.”

Levi was silent. He could feel the rage licking his system, threatening to erupt like hot lava. “This is fucked,” he spat, for the lack of words that he could articulate.

“This will be announced tomorrow. We have already negotiate with the government. They are willing because they want their own safety too. The other fractions of military has been dropping in number. Of course, the breeding must be done without the citizens’ knowledge. The women will be chosen-”

Levi was already out the door before the blonde man finished. Never had he once did this to the man he respected. He cannot find an inch in him to agree with the man. He-

“Levi.”

He knew the voice. “Hanji,” he greeted back aloofly.

 “Erwin had asked me not to chase after you but I thought it was necessary.”

“I don’t want to listen to your bullshit.”

“I know it is difficult. But think about it Levi, our numbers has dwindled so much over the years. This recent expedition has taken a hit-”

“We still have the brat.”

“Eren? Yes, we do. But one titan is not enough for the rest out there…There is also the female titan we have to consider.”

“You are asking people to copulate and give birth to a baby. Then, let the baby die by sending it to battles. That is how you want us to be free?”

Hanji bit her lips so hard, Levi saw that it drew blood. “It is our last choice,” she answered flatly.

“A choice filled with regret is not a choice,” Levi rebutted.

“We always take the path with less regret,” Hanji said. “This is the path Erwin and I believe it is with the least regret.”

“Our opinions differ,” Levi commented curtly.

“…Is that because you know your name will be inside?” Hanji hesitated.

“I will be an idiot not to know,” Levi replied. He shot her a disgusted look. “I didn’t sign up for this bullshit.” 

* * *

 

As the sun dropped lower, the temperature fell along with it. The last ray of the feeble evening light caught the shimmering surface of the tea before it disappeared, bringing the last warmth along with it.

Levi tsked, annoyed. He hated the cold. And it was cold. The biting cold chilled his fingers into clumsy numbness, seeping into his toes and spreading painfully through his toes, as though as he was stepping bared-footed on pristine white ice instead of his heavy riding boots. He reached for his cup of tea as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration at the document in front of him.

Only to grimace not only at the lukewarm temperature of the insipid tea, but also at the content of the document.

It was his squad’s death documents. To be acknowledged, signed, and sent to his families. It seemed that they had finished embalming their bodies and had sent the final things to be confirmed and finished. His hand fumbled around for a hurricane lamp, before he took out his fountain pen and started writing.

Language and writing were not his forte and his face contorted into a painful frown as he spent the night doing up 3 documents he had been dreading since their deaths.

He had faced many deaths in Survey Corps. The only thing he knew was goodbye in this line of job. And it should had desensitise him, just like seeing titans had. But he was not. His squad’s deaths had hit him harder than he expected it to. Sharp and raw agony. Like a fresh wound grazing salt.

The door to his office opened just as he finished Oluo’s death document. He sat there, motionless, and only his eyes darted up to the person standing by the door. It was barely four in the morning and he was ready to catch some sleep before dawn cracked and he had to finish up his other reports and meet up with Eren-

The long list of things to do made him sighed inwardly but all thoughts of annoying shits flew out of his mind as he saw Hanji there. He frowned. They had parted ways unhappily earlier on and he had rode back to the castle that was deserted, saved for him and Eren. But Eren was out with his friends for training and he had spent an evening alone with his raging thoughts. He hated how the ghosts of memories spent with his squad lingered in every single corner of the castle. He was waiting for someone to be back, to distract, and melt the memories away.

They said be careful what you wished for, and he believed it was true. While he wanted someone around, seeing Hanji at this timing was disconcerting. There could only be one-

“I sent her back,” Hanji said quietly. “They said she is okay now.”

Levi just stared at her, uncertain what he should say.

“She trashed the place,” Hanji let slipped a fond smile that Levi thought was weird but again, anything that showed that she was back was a good sign. “Really strong for a petite girl. Now I know why you handpicked her.” Hanji was blabbering now. A sure sign there was something wrong.

“What?” Levi interrupted her yammering rather rudely.

Hanji stopped short of her yapping, features rearranging into a grim look that made Levi’s stomach churned. “Still very unstable and she had developed self-harming behaviour. We sent her back because - well, we need to settle some stuffs before she could move back in with her father.”

“This is the best place to be,” Hanji’s eyes softened. “Look, I came so early because she kind of went insane on me, and well,” Hanji smiled weakly, rolling her up sleeves to reveal long red lines that were akin to cat’s scratches. “She is in her room.”

Levi nodded mutely, watching as the ponytail titan freak left. She had left the door ajar and he took that as a sign to leave the room.

He walked carefully around the corridor, as though as even the slightest sound would cause the occupant in the room on the far left corner any distress.

Before long, he was standing at her door, contemplating. Levi was never a person who back down from whatever he deemed necessary. But even this for him was daunting. And difficult. He wondered how she was – he had not seen her in a few weeks since they had carried her limp body to the medical ward. The room on the other side of the door was awfully quiet, nothing like what Hanji had described.

Bracing himself, Levi knocked twice.

No response.

He expected that, and with a third knock, he swung opened the door.

The room was as it was, even in the shadows. Neat, clean, untouched. He remembered that she had left it that way before the expedition. His hand swiped the door accidentally. Only a layer of fine dust coating it showed that time had indeed passed.

His eyes searched the room for a little, before finding her. She was by the window. A silhouette in the quiet darkness. She did not turn around at the sound of the door and Levi stood in front of the door, eyes drinking her in.

She had lost a significant amount of weight. For a petite woman, she was already small. It was hard for Levi to imagine her even smaller but here she was. Definitely a size or two smaller. Her hair was slightly longer – he remembered her telling him that her hair tend to grow out quickly and she had to trim them every 2 weeks. She was stationary – a perfect little doll standing under the fading moonlight.

A very broken doll.

“Petra.”

No reply.

He fucking missed her voice.

“Petra,” he made an attempt to close the distance between them. He was two feet apart when she flinched suddenly. Levi stilled.

Slowly, she turned. Their eyes locked. Gone were the fieriness behind those golden liquid that always sparkled when she was chastising him for working too hard, or Oluo for annoying the shit out of her. Gone were the gentleness in her honey irises where it felt like eternal sunshine whenever she gazed at him when they were alone drinking tea, or when she was talking about the burden Eren had, or when she was smiling softly at one of the sick jokes the squad made. Gone were the life in her eyes. In them were nothing but bleakness.

The loss and the need to grieve for them were so strong, it roared in Levi’s ears and sneaked poison into his veins. He had relished in her cheerfulness, he had basked in her sunshine, and he had loved them.

“Petra?”

The lady standing in front of him blinked. Once. Twice. But her lips did not moved.

“Get some sleep, you look like shit,” Levi blurted out. He never was very good with words.

He was relieved, though, when the ginger hair lady nodded almost imperceptibly. But she made no attempt to move. She stared blankly at the spot behind him.

Despite Levi being an impatient man, he waited a couple of minutes for good measure before he marched over to her. Almost wanting to cringe himself when she flinched at their proximity, he pulled her toward the bed. It was not the first time he touched her hands, and he could feel the difference. Her hands were always soothing to the touch, her palms soft and smooth. But now, it was marred with uneven cuts here and there. He could feel them as his fingers ghosted over her palms slightly. His heart clenched.

He led her to her bed – a single bed with her blanket folded nicely as she had left it the morning of the expedition. She clambered in, reminding Levi of a small child. She had a small gauze on her face and Levi was certain that it was not injury from the expedition. She had sustained life-threatening injury on her spine and back of head – not on her right cheek.

Levi watched as she mechanically pulled opened her blanket and slipped in. Relief washed over him. At least she was being human. He had heard from Hanji that she was not very inclined to do activities like sleeping, eating and talking anymore.

“Goodnight,” he said. It was strange to hear him said it first. Usually, she would be the one popping her head in to his room and giving him the word with a soft smile that lit her eyes.

She did not reply – not that Levi expected her to. Still, he felt like someone punched him. His eyes flickered toward her blanket, ensuring that she was tucked in properly before turning around.

A hand gripped his wrist.

He turned a fraction of his head.

She was staring at him, her eyes still a scary blankness that did not suit her nor any humans. But she tugged at his wrist again.

He turned and kneeled beside her bed frame, wrist still in her grip. “Use your words,” he said sternly, reminding himself once again that she felt like a child.

Her expressions did not change – that scared him a little, and there was nothing much in the world that scare him. Even death would need to reconsider its impact on the raven hair man.

Her grasp loosened around his wrist and he almost smirked at her stubbornness – at least that was not lost.

She looked away, eyes vacant. Her fingers played with her skin – the part that had a bite mark – rough and uncaring of the redness she will leave behind.

Levi tched under his breath and grabbed her hand. “Ral, stop that.”

She let out a soft, almost inaudible, noise – the first sound she made since they met each other again. Her eyes glazed over, and Levi watched as her eyes welled. The first drop of her tear caught the moonlight, scintillating hauntingly. 

Her agony was so overwhelming, so heart-breaking that Levi could feel their grief swallowing them, wrapping them in a state of gloom so thick, it cannot be penetrated.

She sobbed uncontrollably, her frame quivering. Levi waited until the sun broke and the sky lightened, knees numbed and sore from kneeling by her bed, and the ginger hair girl tired herself up and fell asleep, before his own eyes slipped close a little. 

* * *

 

He felt like shit when he woke up. That was the only way he could explain it. Neck feeling like it would break, legs tingling in numbness, and a loud scream that reverberated in his ears. Snapping his eyes opened, the scene before him startled his ever-so-composed self.

Petra was thrashing in her bed, a mask of fear on her face, rendering sleep incapable for both of them. He stood up, wincing as his bones cracked. Her eyes were wide and empty of light.

“Petra!”

No answer.

“Petra!!”

No reaction. Still thrashing about.

He did the only thing he could, though he did not want to hurt her. He pinned her down. His body weight stopped her from any movements, and he gently put her hands over her head.

Their eyes met.

There was recognition in her eyes and not for the first time, Levi felt only relief. She was bony under his weight, and a twinge of guilt twisted Levi’s inside. He had always believe all the comrades’ deaths were on him. He sent them out to their graves and he was willing to bear all of them, no matter how heavy they were. But never had him bear this massive responsibility of destroying a person inside out, of rendering the person an empty shell of her previous self.

Petra was a strong soldier. Soft-hearted, and almost impossible to believe that she was way stronger – physically and mentally – than many others. She almost always bounced back from adversity and from her comrades’ deaths. She had nightmares; they all have. It came with their jobs. But Levi knew this time, it was beyond nightmare. It was a reality. She had been the lone survivor of the Female Titan’s attacks, saved only in the nick of time. She would have lost too much blood had Levi not sent a man nearby to bring her back to the wall while he gave chase on the Female Titan who had taken Eren.

Upon returning, he caught a glimpse of her. Almost unrecognisable through all the crimson liquid. It was a mess. His comrade – a friend of his – was lost, not stolen by a Grim Reaper, but by his own hands. Because he forced it upon them to do this. He handpicked them and paved the doomed fate for them.

She was precious to him. A person who had understood him inside out, who looked beyond his brusque and offensive demeanour.

His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the door swinging opened and the loud sounds of Eren and his bunch of idiots.

“Miss Petra-Oh!”

The brunette’s voice went a pitch high. Levi almost rolled his eyes.

“Get out,” Levi ordered. She was unstable now, and any more noise may make her sink back into a meltdown again.

“Y-y-yes!” Eren stuttered, face red at seeing the compromising position the other two occupants in the room were in.

“Eren,” Mikasa’s voice was serene compared to the brunette. “Let’s go,” she said firmly. Levi caught the glowering look she gave him, angry that he had used such a curt tone on Eren.

He was unaffected, and watched as the door closed behind them softly. He turned his attention back to the honey irises’ owner, and sighed as she remained frozen in her position. Levi swung his legs over the bed, careful to ease his weight off her, but still pinning her hands up so that she had no way to hit both of them.

His eyes flickered toward the clock on her nightstand. He needed to get out to finish his documents, though he knew that he had barely slept. He let go of her hands slowly, watching for signs of meltdown, but relaxed when she seemed calm enough to flutter her eyelids close.

He straightened up, and crossed the room in a deliberate manner.

It was only when he was about to open the door, hand already curling around the handle, when he heard a voice. Familiar, sweet and sounded like wind chime marred only by cracks in her voice from disused.

“Thank you, Heichou.” 

* * *

 

He was halfway down the stairs when he heard ruckus from the kitchen. He tched in annoyance but went down the stairs anyway in the direction of the chaos.

He was definitely greeted with madness.

“Sasha, we are going to get killed if you continue making a mess,” Eren was hissing, two cloths in each of his hands and scrubbing away on the flour-coated table.

“Eren, let me help you,” Mikasa said, reaching for one of the cloth in Eren’s hand, only to be batted away by the brunette.

“I am not a kid,” he complained. Another lighter-haired brunette – Jean, Levi believed – grabbed Eren by the collar with a cloth covered in flour.

“Be grateful! I am jealous!” He shouted.

Eren narrowed his gaze, shoving Jean away. “You are getting flour all over my clothes!”

“Eren…let me clean you up,” the Asian beauty said.

“Ahhh! Sasha, the egg- you forgot the egg!” Armin – Levi knew his name from the gushing Hanji always poured over the blonde during meetings – was exclaiming.

His head pounded from the lack of sleep and the cacophony of noise, but he thought it was better than the dreaded silent he had faced these few weeks. His eyes swept the clutter in the room in repulsion.

“Oi.”

All the dins in the room suddenly disappeared.

“Clean the place up by the time you all finished,” Levi said in his usual bored tone, but a layer of menace was crouched low below it; a promise that should not be missed or taken lightly.

“Yes, sir!”

He turned on his heels and walked out of the kitchen.

“Was he smiling?” Armin, the ever observant one, spoke first, breaking the stunned silence in the room.

* * *

 

Levi was turning toward the staircase to go back to his study when there was a sharp knock from the entrance door. He paused, wondering if it was the four eyes freak, before approaching the knocks that were grinding on his nerves.

He pulled opened the door to reveal a man he identified as Erwin’s man. The soldier hastily handed the envelope over, eyes shifty, and began backing away. Levi watched the strange behaviour of the man for a moment, before glancing down at the white envelope in his hand. Written in Erwin’s neat handwriting at the front, and printed with a Survey Corps logo. Disquietude reflected in Levi.

_Levi,_

_I know it is not something we both are happy with, but it is a decision that is necessary in my judgement. I ask for your understanding, like you always have. I don’t ask for your forgiveness; this is something I probably would never have the magnanimity in me to forgive either, if I were in your shoes. We are both men… I think we all have the bottom line of understanding that copulation is an act that must be consensus and respectful. I chose her, because I believe it is the best choice. Not only because the child that you two produced will have, no doubt, the strength of hundreds of soldiers, but I know you always have a soft spot for her. I want to say we are friends…but that is a bit of a stretch in this world we live in. So, we are comrades striving for the same goal – mutually understanding each other that freedom for the humanity is our priority. I hope for your understanding._

_Erwin_

**Corporal Levi Ackerman**

**Survey Corps**

**You have been asked to produce at least a child with Petral Ral in a year’s time for the sole purpose of creating a stronger and lasting army for humanity against the fight with titans. There will be no negotiation and no reediting of the conditions. We seek your understanding.**

**Royal Government**

“Son of a bitch,” Levi hissed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Create

Definition: Bring (something) into existence

Chapter 2

* * *

 

 

He watched the flame flickered in the dark. They lapped at the fresh firewood he had placed there mere minutes ago, eagerly devouring everything in its sight. For a few moments, Levi gazed at the fiery sparks that flew into the cool air before dying mid-air; their deaths inconsequential. He closed his eyes, willing his thoughts to stop there. Grabbing the crumpled letter he was given this morning, he tossed it into the fire. He watched nonchalantly as the letter vanished. He stood up, warmth leaving the air as he distanced himself from the grate.

He went back to his documents lying on his table, arranged in an orderly manner. Three were set aside, ready to be sent out by tomorrow morning. He looked at them. Neatly folded inconspicuously. Nondescript envelopes. Were his squad’s honours and lives reduced to just these?

He gazed at them for a fraction more, before heading downstairs to grab a cup of tea. He sat down, nursing a cup of tea that tasted like crap. He missed her tea. She was just upstairs; so near him, but so far away. As he took a sip, he pondered over Erwin’s decision.

Absurd was an understatement. Petra was in no condition – physically or mentally – to do anything that was mentioned in the letter. He felt partially sick again from even thinking about it. Yet, he knew why Erwin matched her with him. It was inevitable, considering that she was one of the most capable soldiers. Furthermore, she was going to be retiring from the Survey Corps soon – a prominent reason to place her as a suitable candidate. She would not have to sit out of any expeditions and there would be no further loss of manpower.

His insides churned.

The only reason why she was retiring was because she was unfit for this lifestyle any longer. Why did they even-?

A thought struck him.

That was the reason they brought her here, instead of directly transporting back to her home. And the exact reason why they kept rejecting his visits. They clearly wanted him to agree to the conditions first, before he could see how badly hurt she was.

It all made sense now.

_I came so early._

Hanji’s words were not referring to the time she came. It was about how she came with Petra earlier than they had planned because of the faired skin maiden’s meltdown

. A headache was beginning to form and Levi closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was not doubting the theory he had formed in his head. Erwin and Hanji were capable of these schemes. The truths and lies that slipped through their mouths were…controversial.

He was not going to tell Petra about this – the Royal Government can go to hell. As for Erwin… Levi sighed as he finished his shitty tea. He always followed the blonde man’s orders to a tee but this time, he really do not think he could…

* * *

 

He slept less than 2 hours again; insomnia a common reoccurring theme for him. He wondered if he should check on her as he did the evening before. She was unresponsive then. He did not think it would change. He was realistic, not optimistic.

The loud banging in the kitchen made him tched and he went down to be greeted by the crimson hair maiden who was staring at him apprehensively. He blinked. “Si-Sir! I prepare breakfast, and was wondering if you and P-Petra would like some.”

Did Petra even eat yesterday? Levi grimaced inwardly. He was quite a shitty caretaker, if he was called one. He often forgot his own meal too. He nodded a thanks, and followed Sasha toward the dining area. The table was sparkling clean and not a speck of dust can be seen as Levi ran his forefinger over the underside of the table. He watched wordlessly as the new residents in the castle ate and mumbled over ominous and heavy topics. He tuned out from their conversations. He ate without really knowing what he ate. It tasted good, but food to him was just a mean for living.

“Heichou… We actually prepare food for Petra. But we are not sure if…” Eren trailed off. His eyes were filled with guilt whenever the ginger head was mentioned.

“Bring it to me; I will take it,” Levi said. He forced himself to finish his food because resources were precious. He stood up, gathering the tray and headed up. His eyes flickered down to the tray. It was different from the meal he ate. Much lighter on the palate. Simply soup and a glass of water. He was grateful for the brats’ thoughtfulness.

He pushed opened the door this time without knocking. It was not like it mattered. She was not on the bed and Levi took a second to spot her standing by the corner of the room, her back facing him. He set the tray down by her nightstand and went and stood beside her. Silence hung in the air. She was staring into the distance. But her slight twitch of her fingers when Levi approached her indicated that her mind was present. He let her warm up to his presence, mentally reminding himself that he had to be down for training soon. Eren always had his daily training in the late morning and everyone will have their training in their gears in the afternoon. They needed some brushing up, Levi thought. Still, aside from their military skills, their abilities to clean impressed him.

“Petra,” he spoke after a few minutes. She did not reply but turned her head a little. “When is the last time you ate?” It was a sentence she always used on him when he was buried under paperwork and tea. She would pout – an expression that suited her very well, Levi had always thought – and attempt to drag him out of the room to be human again. She looked at him now but there was no reply. He refrained himself from tching. She was always on the more sensitive side when it came to his expressions of irritation. Though she had absolutely no problem going through hell when she was a trainee. Such a silly woman.

Without warning, Levi took her hand. She flinched a little, but not as much as the night before, and let the raven hair man guide her to the bedside. He motioned toward the food but Petra made no attempt to even move. “Honestly,” Levi started. “I don’t want to do this but-”

Her eyes darted up to meet his but there was no fear in them. She was brave like this. Usually, when she was protesting against his decision, there was a streak of determination and fire. But this time, it was just emptiness. He pushed away his uneasiness and reached for the bowl.

“This reminds me a little of bathing Hanji,” Levi muttered. He scooped a spoonful of soup and-

“Levi, I heard Eren said that you-” The door opened and the devil he just mentioned marched in. “I know the letter was just sent yesterday but that is a fast progress,” Hanji said, eyes wide.

“Oi, knock the door,” Levi said, ignoring her previous sentence. He put down the bowl and walked over to the ponytail squad leader. “I will, next time,” Hanji grinned but she quickly rearranged her countenance when she saw that Petra was still sitting lifelessly on the bed. “I am going to check on her a little. Actually, the father wants to visit in the evening. We originally said no…but, well…” Hanji pushed her spectacle up. “It was a little hard to refuse when, you know, this case…” “Okay,” Levi said. “I will halt our training by late afternoon, especially since Eren would be in titan form sometimes.” Hanji nodded, serious. “How is Petra?” She dropped her voice. Levi shifted a little. “You would know,” he settled for a curt answer that would not sting his heart. Hanji sighed. “Does the father knows about the arrangement?” Levi narrowed his grey eyes. The woman in front of him rested her weight on one leg uncomfortably. “Not yet,” she admitted after a long silence. “Anyway,” Hanji raised her voice back to her normal volume. “I will see you later.” “I hope not,” Levi muttered.

* * *

 

“Eren, you need to work on your titan power and stabilise it. Armin needs to work on his stamina and Connie needs to work on his speed,” Levi said, arms crossed.

“Sorry sir! I will do better next time!” Eren apologised, disappointed with himself.

“Yes, sir!” Armin and Connie saluted, the former having a frown masking his face.

Levi nodded, acknowledging their words. “We will resume practice tomorrow. Prepare your horses then; we will be going to the forest.”

“Sir.” Levi turned partially, already eager to head for a shower. Eren was staring at him, radiating anxiety. “Is…Is Miss Petra okay?” Levi hesitated for a split second. “Yeah, she is,” he lied. The relief on Eren’s face was palpable. “Really? Can I visit her soon?” “She needs to rest,” Levi replied. “By the way, Erwin needs to have a talk with you about handing you over to the Royal Government.” Eren tensed. “I don’t think it is bad news,” Levi said, in his usual subtle way to comfort.

Turning on his heels, he left. He said he would take a shower first but the ginger hair girl came to his mind when he stepped into the castle. He was halfway up the stairs when Hanji came down.

“You look like hell,” Levi said bluntly.

“Fuck you,” Hanji rolled her eyes in a joking manner. Her hair was sticking out like hays in their stable and she looked jaded. She sighed wearily. “Did she not act out in front of you?”

“No.”

Hanji gazed at him incredulously before she muttered, “I knew it.”

“Tch, what?” Levi was annoyed. He wanted to visit the ginger head already and then grab a bloody shower.

“The impact from the Female Titan was too much of a blow. I think she is sensitive to touches now. No surprise there, considering how she was…undignified from the powerful kick of the titan. Trauma, I believe. I guess it is my own fault that I touched her a little too forcefully. I was trying to force-feed her,” Hanji shrugged.

“Tch, you should have told me all of these,” Levi said. “Instead of simply putting she with me because of the quixotic project Erwin was crazy enough to go through with.”

“So you figure it out, huh?”

“Not that hard, unless you are an idiot,” Levi said sourly.

Hanji sighed in a contrite tone. Levi put up his hand to stop her before her mouth opened.

“How was she?”

“She ate a little, after I shoved it down her throat. She doesn’t want to bathe though,” Hanji shrugged. Levi frowned. “You can give it a try,” Hanji continued. Her lips twisted into a teasing smile, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

“I will kick your ass for even thinking about it. She is in no condition for any of these jokes. Neither is she in any condition to be subjected to more torture.”

Hanji grimaced. “I know. Still, for the project to go forward…”

Levi shot dagger at her. “You know what it means,” Hanji said quietly.

“I don’t,” Levi said curtly and pushed past the tall woman.

* * *

 

He knocked her room once, hoping that she would respond. Of course, she did not. He pushed opened the door and saw her lying on the floor. Her hair fanned around her in a pool of ginger, making her figure seem even smaller. She really needed to start eating.

“Petra, you are going to fucking catch a cold,” Levi spoke. A chillness ran down his spine when she remained where she was. He had to approach her to ensure she was breathing. The gentle falling and rising of her chest gave Levi comfort. He closed his eyes for a brief moment. He was dirtied from training, sweaty from the scorching sun in the afternoon. He really did not feel like touching her. “Petra, I am going to carry you if you don’t move your ass,” Levi threatened.

No sound, no movement. He suppressed a sigh. Being a man of promises, he scooped her up effortlessly. She was still in his arms and he gazed down at her, a little uncomfortable and unused to such close proximity. It felt too intimate and he felt like he had crossed a boundary at that moment. Her eyes were closed but she was not sleeping. Levi knew, because her breathing was too light.

A thought registered in his head.

When was the last time she bathed? He was appalled at the thought. Memories of him dragging Hanji to bathe flashed into his mind. The crazy woman did not even bathe herself. What made Levi believed that she would force Petra to bathe like she did for eating?

He made up his mind. He headed to the communal bathroom, before sharply changing his mind, and went to his personal one. Firstly, he did not want Eren seeing Petra like that. Guilt would consume that idiot even more. Secondly, the behaviour of bathing your darn subordinate would be scandalous – not to mention that her father would be coming in an hour’s time.

He pushed opened the door with the weight of his body, still holding her carefully. It was not that he never touch Petra before. Brushing of hands. Brushing of legs. Physical contacts here and there were necessary, especially in sparring. But this was a whole new level. Still, this was the only way to clean her. He reminded himself that he bathe Hanji too.

However, somehow, he just cannot convince himself that it was the same. Perhaps it was because Petra was so close to him that it felt unnerving for him to do this. He recognised that she was a comrade he was very fond of. Erwin and Hanji knew that too; in fact, the latter always tease him about it. Even so, he believed that it would never develop any further. He had thought about it before – just a fleeting idea he played with – one afternoon when he was in the office with her alone. She was humming a lullaby she said her father always sang to her to sleep when she was younger while helping him to tidy his report. He had sneaked a look at her and thought that she was adorable.

But that was just it. He never thought about it again.

Until now.

He battered them away quickly. She was sick, Levi reminded himself. He was disgusted at himself. He entered the bathroom, placed her on her feet and started the water. When the water pressure increased, he was grateful that it was warm enough. “Petra?” Levi turned around. He tugged her closer to the water.

He was wondering why she was so unaffected by his touches. According to Hanji, it should be hell trying to make physical contacts with her. She did flinch the first two times, but now she seemed perfectly fine.

Her first movement distracted him.

She yanked at his arm, wanting to make an escape. However, Levi was too quick for her. He caught her wrist before she made a break. She continued wrestling her way out of his firm grip. Her eyes were wide with fear. “Petra, you are worse than Hanji,” Levi snapped a little as one hand of the petite girl smacked his chest. His free hand gripped that offending hand, trying not to bruise her delicate skin. She was thrashing now, panicking. Two hands in his grasp but still pulling herself away from him, away from the gushing water.

“The water will stop any time, Ral,” Levi said, pulling her forward. She was pressed against his chest. Levi thought her fight extinguished in her along with her movements which stopped. But he should had known. Petra, fiery and determined Petra, was not handpicked by him without reasons. She aimed for his right leg, attempting to deliver a swift kick to his knee. He cursed, hands forgoing hers as he blocked the attack with a fast reaction time. Sensing that her hands were free, she pushed him and made a run for the door. Levi grabbed her before she could, sighing when she panted against him. “Stop it,” he said. He glanced at the water, noticing how the jets of warm water were weakening now. He held onto her for another few seconds, trying futilely to bring her closer to the shower.

“Fuck it,” he mumbled, annoyed.

He wrapped an arm around her torso, and ignoring her flailing limbs, dragged her underneath the water with him. He ignored his own soaked clothes clutching to his skin like a second layer uncomfortably, concentrating on stripping Petra of her clothes. He ignored the way she thrashed against him, absorbing her blows like nothing. His hand wounded tightly around her torso while he yanked the shirt away. He left the bra on for modesty and forgo her shorts because she really was putting up more fight than he estimated. He contemplated knocking her up, just like he did with the titan freak when bathing, but could not bear the thought of hurting her more.

She had battle scars just like him. Angry lines that ran up her torso, marring her otherwise unblemished skin. He attempted to ignore a few cuts on her wrist, knowing those were not from the fights with titans. It was definitely hard not to stare – both at her petite body and the scars on her underside of the wrist – but he tried his best to avoid eye contact. Lathering her in soap in a careful manner, he wondered to himself what exactly he was doing. The girl was quiet in his embrace. She had given up.

His eyes darted downward to check on her but instead, it gave him a generous view of her cleavage. He looked up again, clearing his throat lightly. He washed her without glancing down afterward. It was almost therapeutic, with only the sound of their soft breathing mingling and the water splashing against the tiles.

“H-heichou.” A small whimper. He paused, his hand still on the loafer. Her voice startled him a little more than he liked. He was beginning to forget her voice. What a frightening thought… “What?” “I want to get out now. The water sound…” she trailed off. “Perm-permission to do so…?”

He almost snorted at her used of words in the last statement. He did not say anything and merely stopped the water all at once. He handed her a towel and watched as she accepted it wordlessly. He thought he would have to dry her off but it seemed that she was capable of doing so. Levi thought her cheeks were stained red but he was not so sure. It could be the heat of the water.

“H-heichou…” she said softly. “I-” she mumbled something but Levi could not hear.

“Spit it out,” Levi said and watched as she flinched. He was about to berate himself for his careless manner of speaking when-

“I need to change my br-undergarments and pants,” she spoke a little louder.

Levi realised he had forgotten to bring her a change of clothes and he cursed himself. “I will go and take-”

“No,” Petra interrupted. “You will catch a cold yourself with those wet clothes.” He was taken aback, though it did not show on his face. He had missed this Petra. The one who spoke defiantly to him because she cared about his welfare. The one who spoke firmly and with confidence. He thought she was back – if, a little – to her old self but her fingers digging in a not-so-subtle manner into her skin proved otherwise. Levi’s hand shot up inhumanely fast to her hand, grasping it a little tighter than he should. She winced and he relaxed his hold but still firm enough to stop her action.

“Petra,” he growled; a mixture of anger and annoyance at her action. She looked up at him and he held her gaze – both unwavering in their stares. Petra was the first to turn her head away, her face suddenly redder than just now.

“You should change,” Petra muttered.

“Stop doing that and I will let go,” Levi said. Petra gazed at him questioningly, tilting her head to one side.

She looked horribly and absolutely adorable. Why?

Levi reorganised his thoughts. “Don’t harm yourself,” Levi showed her what she was doing to her skin. It was peeling from all her scratches. Her eyes dropped to the wounds she created herself, quiet. Levi followed her gaze. The bite mark on her hand was still visible; in fact the wounds were surrounding it.

The silence was broken by the sound of Levi’s sneeze. Petra snapped her head up, and Levi realised – with almost tangible gladness – that her eyes were filled with concern. There was some warmth bubbling in them.

“H-heichou,” Petra pulled away from him almost defensively. “Please change out of your wet clothes.” He sighed but agreed silently. It was really getting very uncomfortable. His uniform was wet but his skin was sweaty and the combination of it made him want to cringe. He began loosening his cravat and pulling it out. He proceeded to unbutton his survey corps’ uniform.

“Heichou?!” Her voice was still very soft but it went up a pitch higher at the last syllable.

“What?” Levi asked indifferently.

“Wh-why are you changing here…?”

“You asked me to,” he deadpanned.

“I-” Petra’s eyes widened significantly. “I-” She spluttered.

Levi’s lips almost curled in amusement. It was actually fun to tease her. “I need to shower first, before I can go get your clothes,” Levi said as he finished shrugging out of his shirt. He began unzipping his pants.

“Heichou!” The protest was unbearably shy and frustrated. It sounded like his Petra again and it felt good.

He looked at her, watching as she squeezed her eyes shut. Her face was stained red, reminding Levi of a tomato. He almost chuckled, surprising himself. He rarely – or never – felt the urge to do so after Isabel and Furlan’s deaths…

“Petra,” he started. The honey locks beauty opened her eyes at the sound of his voice and looked down. Just to see his zipper unzipped. A flash of black was showing and she quickly diverted her gaze with an almost inaudible gasp.

“Strip your clothes.”

His tone was bored but Petra immediately looked at him incredulously. Levi could have explained to her what the fuck he was saying – because he sounded like a perverted old man – but he enjoyed the myriads of expressions that flitted over her face. It was…fascinating and refreshing after her lifeless gazes.

“You are going to catch a cold with your wet clothes too,” he draped a large white towel over her. The ginger blushed, holding the towel close to her shyly. “And,” Levi added. “Just turn around when I shower.”

He did not wait for her reply but saw her widened eyes before she shut them tightly when he stripped entirely. He stepped into his shower and grimaced at the cold water. The warm water was gone, used up during the struggle between Petra and him. He bathed very quickly and in less than 3 minutes, he emerged from the shower stall with a towel wrapped around his bottom. Petra was still standing near the bathroom door and he reminded himself to quickly grab her clothes before she really caught a cold. He passed her, tousling her hair like he sometimes did in the past. Her large ember irises cracked opened, following his movements as he went out of the bathroom. He popped his head in again a few moments later and told her to wait.

* * *

 

As he walked to her room, he was wondering what the fuck he was doing again. If the brunch of brats living here found out, there would be a big hoo-ha. Hanji – the nosy big-mouth – would have spread it to kingdom come and he would have no choice but to-

“Leviiii!”

What the fuck. God must think he was a joke-

Hanji was skipping toward him and he had an urge to kick her face.

“Petra’s father is here and downstairs waiting.”

Levi stared at her.

Hanji stared back. “Wait. Are you going in the direction of Petra’s room?”

He calculated the possibilities of knocking the four eyes freak unconscious. The probability was high…

“She just showered. I am bringing her clothes.”

“You are-what?” Hanji’s jaws unhinged. “Hold on…you bathed her?”

Levi had absolutely no idea why her voice sounded so gleeful but so accusing at the same time. “Your dirty ass wouldn’t, would you?” He tched.

“I will grab her clothes,” Hanji said.

“I ain’t letting your dirty boots into my room.”

Hanji gasped. “She is in your room?”

“That is beside the point,” Levi snapped. “You are not going to my room.”

“My boots are perfectly clean,” Hanji declared. Both of them glanced down at her boots coated in mud and grass stain. Levi’s eyes twitched as he followed her muddy footprints from the stairway to where she was standing. He glared dagger at her. “My eyes are of perfect vision so if you think I am going to be as blind as you-”

“Levi,” Hanji said, exasperated. “You probably don’t even know what the fuck is the difference between a bra and a panties.”

“I am not an idiot,” Levi said, insulted.

“Beside the point. Plus, Petra wouldn’t want you to see her naked. Though,” Hanji moved to flick Levi’s forehead which he managed to dodge swiftly. “You would want to, won’t you?”

“I will kick your ass when we have the time to spare,” he warned.

Hanji gave him an infuriating charming smile. “Be my guest.” She smoothed her impish expressions. “Can you keep Petra’s dad accompany first, while I bring Petra a change of clothes?” “Hurry, I don’t want her to catch a cold,” Levi said. Hanji smiled at him mischievously but he ignored it and headed down the stairs. “Get your boots out of my room or you will be paying,” he called back with menace in his tone.

* * *

 

Levi found a man with short and shaggy brown hair sitting in the kitchen with Moblit flanking his right side. He cleared his throat, making his presence known.

Moblit snapped his head up and saluted. “Levi Heichou!” Levi nodded his head in greeting.

The man whom he presumed was Petra’s father stood up. Mr Ral’s face crinkled into a smile.

“Is this Levi Heichou whom Petra spoke so fondly of?” Levi felt a stab in his heart. He nodded and pulled out a chair to join the elder. The man slowly sat back down, hand cupping a brown mug. “Thank you for always having her in your care,” the older man started. He seemed deep in thought as he stared at his cup. “She always looked up to you. Even in all her letters 90% was about you,” Mr Ral laughed but it was tinged with weariness.

Levi saw Moblit discreetly leave the room.

“You know,” the older man spoke again, bringing back Levi’s attention. “She always wrote letters to me twice a month but there was always nothing but cheerfulness,” the man frowned, giving his skin a wrinkly appearance. “I always thought it was a façade. It must be hard for her to be here – there was no way this job was good…” the man suddenly looked up, eyes widening in concern. “Please do not be offended.”

Levi waved his hand dismissively. “This job is shit,” he blurted out.

The older man laughed and it was in amusement. “I see why my daughter likes you.”

Levi thought his heart stumbled in their composed rhythm.

Mr Ral looked at Levi bashfully. “There must be some truth to that cheerfulness. And I believe you greatly contribute to it.”

Levi knew that his heart tripped a little, setting off a weird pace.

“Though…” Mr Ral scratched his hair. “It is a little early for her to marry.”

Levi would have spit out his tea if he had one right now.

Mr Ral leaned against the chair, a thoughtful look crossing his face. “Petra’s mother died when Petra was very young. She had suffered from an illness that spread in the town relentlessly and was cruelly taken away when Petra was still a toddler. It was difficult being a single father but Petra was such a sensible and kind girl. Easiest the most obedient child in the whole town. I am glad she grew up well, but underneath all that bubbly and sunshine exterior, was a girl who wants to be loved,” Mr Ral paused. Levi was about to search for some words to say, before the man continued. “My biggest regret was never being able to give her proper motherly love. Her peers always had both parents to dote on them… and I was always busy with work too since life was hard…” he hesitated and fixed his eyes on Levi. “That is why I am happy she met you. A man who could care for her-”

This is going on a wrong track, Levi thought somberly.

Mr Ral’s voice was suddenly emotional. “And accept her as who she is right now-”

“Mr Ral?” The said man looked in the direction of the sound. Moblit was by the entrance of the door. “Sir,” Moblit said respectfully. “Petra is waiting.” Mr Ral nodded and turned to smile at Levi. A smile that reminded Levi greatly of Petra. “Levi Heichou, thank you.”

Levi sat in his chair, listening to the sound of the staircase creaking under the weight of the two other men. He closed his eyes. Did he truly deserve that thank you? His daughter was like this – like this – all because of him. A wave of hatred crashed into him. “Tch,” he kicked the chair opposite him, watching as the offended item fell.

“Levi.” He turned his head, meeting the gaze of Hanji. The woman stared at him levelly and finally tilted her head to her side, eyes softening. “Eren and the rest are going to stay at my side for a while so that training can continue for them. The father will probably stay a day until tomorrow and we don’t want to delay Eren’s training.” Levi nodded. Hanji hesitated by the door. There seemed to be something she wanted to say but she changed her mind. “You can meet us for training at my place tomorrow.” He nodded again. He was drained. Hanji seemed to understand and with one last soft smile, she disappeared from the kitchen doorway.

Levi sat at the kitchen for a long time, mind echoing the words of Mr Ral’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the views! Hope you enjoy the story as much as I did when I wrote it!


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Create 

Definition: Bring (something) into existence

Chapter 3

* * *

 

Levi pulled down his white cloth that was covering the shy of his nose. He made a mental note to kick Hanji to kingdom come when he saw her again. Scrubbing the last of the dried mud courtesy of Hanji and her riding boots, Levi stood up. Only to heard the loud sound of something shattering.

He paused. It was from Petra’s room and there was an increasing frustrated voice that Levi recognised as Petra’s father.

The door creaked opened a moment later and the weary man stepped up. He looked up and caught the eyes of Levi’s. Levi mentally whacked himself for being found staring.

“Ah…” the man smiled but there was an air of melancholy surrounding him. “Levi Heichou.”

Levi nodded.

“I am going to retire to the bedroom. Thank you for offering me a room tonight,” the man provided no explanation for the noise just now. Once the man turned a corner, Levi put back his cleaning supplies. He walked past Petra’s door but stalled.

The room was quiet but an ominous feeling engulfed Levi. He did not knock and swung opened the door urgently.

The sight was appalling.

A millions pieces of glass were sprinkled on the floor. A fair maiden sitting in the pool of glimmering glass catching the silvery blue moonlight was holding one herself. Her eyes were closed and had the piece positioned near her wrist.

Grateful for joining the Survey Corps that made his reaction speed even fast for the first ever fucking time in his life, Levi made a mad dash toward her. His muscular back tensed as he stretched to seize the glass from her.

The raven hair man practically yanked the glass out of the ginger beauty’s hand, startling her.

“Petra, what the fuck?” He was staring at her. His fear and his anxiety gave birth to raw anger. He discarded the glass, hearing it dropped on the floor eerily. Something wet was spreading over his finger and he knew it was the blood. But he ignored it. He dropped down to his knees, drawing distance with Petra.

“Petra.”

She was back to being unresponsive.

Levi, in his fury, put his fingers on her cheeks and turned her head so that she was forced to lock eyes with him.

Steel grey against amber.

“Petra,” Levi’s words were spit from his gritted teeth. “Don’t do that. Don’t ever fucking do that.”

Petra stared at him, eyes hauntingly lost. He stared back unflinchingly. “I want you to stop this. This is an order,” he said firmly.

Petra flinched at the word ‘order’. She blinked then, and her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

“Heic…Heichou… my dad said I am supposed to go back to ou…our house i..in a…f..few weeks,” Petra stared at him with panicked eyes that were red at the rim. “W…what? Are you sending me home? Am I no…no longer a soldier?”

Levi’s heart clenched. He cursed Hanji the second time that day. Did that shitty four-eyes not tell her?

“Petra,” he said carefully. “It is going to be a small break. It is not the end.”

“I-I don’t need a break!” She yanked freed from his fingers, eyes pleading. He realised his fingers had smeared ruby blood over her frighteningly pale cheeks.

Tears were freely running down her face. The sight of her so broken cuts him into pieces, like the glasses on the floor. She was always so strong, so bright and bubbly. He felt helpless and that made his hatred for himself grew. Like a monster eating at his heart, consuming him inside out.

“H-h-heichou, I really don’t want to leave! I real…really train so hard with everyone to be here!” Her emotional cage was broken and everything in her spilled out, like a broken dam. “No one’s left and I can’t go on an…anymore. I am so scared and lonely, Heichou. I want this to end…I want this nightmare-!” She was spinning into a whirlwind of hysterics and she could feel that was more to come.

All of a sudden, Petra widened her eyes, watching her blurry eyesight of silver moonbeams and grey irises swapped to pitch black. She tensed for a second, only to relax when she found that she was in a warm embrace.

Levi sight softly against her head as he pulled the girl into a tight hug. He cannot recalled doing this for anyone. There was this one time where Isabel asked for a hug and he awkwardly slung one arm over the red hair, to which the feisty girl pouted and complained.

Petra shifted and he dropped his gaze. Her fingers clutched onto his jacket tightly, as though as letting it go would means farewell.

The silence continued hovering in the air for the next few minutes.

“Heichou,” Petra spoke flatly, shattering the quietness. “My life is gone, isn’t it?”

He thought he was able to take more pain but those words that she uttered from her dry and cracked lips were pure agony.

“Lost, but not gone,” Levi corrected after a second.

“Can I… find it again?”

“Yes.”

Silence again.

“I… don’t want to go.”

“Your legs are yours.”

“I miss everyone.”

Levi hesitated and he thought his grip tightened around her. “Oi, Petra.”

Petra raised her head a little. It was tricky because she had to tilt her head up. Levi’s eyes flitted down to meet hers.

“Don’t do this again. You are the only one left.”

Her eyes widened a little before tears slide down her cheeks again.

Levi’s fingers reached up to wipe the dried blood and tears from her cheeks. He blinked. “This is an order,” he repeated.

Petra looked at him intensely for a long moment and managed a tiny smile for the first time since he saw her after the expedition.

“Yes, sir.”

Silence.

“...Heichou?”

“Hm?”

“Can you stay the night an…and…h..hol…” the girl fell silent.

“Yeah.” 

* * *

 

Levi surreptitiously moved his arm so that he could shift the girl who had fallen asleep from exhaustion gingerly. His left hand sneaked toward his boots. He was not wearing his riding boots or his training boots. This means that there was a possibility-

He grimaced inwardly. He could feel them now. He was too distracted just now, but he could definitely feel some glass pieces imbedded in his soles of his foot. His eyes darted toward the girl with her head resting against his shoulder. Turning his head a fraction would mean sticking his nose into honey locks. He pulled his left shoe from his feet with the help of his another leg. Glancing down, he inspected the damage.

It was not as bad as many injuries he faced during his expedition. Manageable. Just annoying because he had to be careful with his foot when training the next few days. One hand wound tightly around her waist to secure her as Levi leaned slightly forward to pluck the first shard out. He tched under his breath as the crimson blood made everything slippery and hard to pluck. He attempted it again.

The girl in his arms stirred.

He halted his movements.

She stopped moving.

He breathed a small sigh of relief before continuing his ministrations. 

* * *

 

Levi discarded the shards after he placed the girl on the bed. He had stayed the entire night as he had promised. The morning ray caught the remaining pieces before he swept them up. His eyes circled the room, making sure that there was no sharp or dangerous objects. Satisfied, he left. His feet were protesting in pain but Levi was used to the sensation. This was way milder than anything he had suffered. He made proper disposition of the glass pieces before he went back to his room to shower, change and bandage his wounds.

He checked the time and realised he had a few hours to go before he had to meet up with Hanji and the rest. He made his way downstairs, cursing the uncomfortable feeling of bandages in boots. Each step was uncomfortable and Levi scowled at the stairs as if they were responsible for his discomfort.

He was distracted, however, at the smell of delicious eggs and toast making their way toward the landing. He paused. No one would be here except…

On cue, Petra’s father rounded the bend of the kitchen. His eyes warmed at the sight of Levi.

“Levi Heichou, I actually used the kitchen. Hope you didn’t mind,” the older man smiled apologetically.

“We need to eat anyway,” the raven hair man shrugged.

The other man beamed, reminding Levi of Petra again. “I have some root vegetable I planted on my own. I brought them over, thinking Petra could cook them…” Mr Ral trailed off, seeming bothered. A split second later though, he was smiling. But the smile did not reach his eyes. “I used some of them, but there were still plenty left for you all.”

“We will use them well,” Levi said. The man grinned again and Levi was really starting to get the feeling Petra was very similar to her father.

“I prepared some food with the ingredients I brought over and some food here and there,” the man hesitated. “I hope it suits your taste.”

“Thanks,” Levi muttered, uncertain how to reciprocate the kindness.

The two men stepped into the kitchen and Levi was amazed by how appetising the pile of food looked.

The older man smiled as he took a sit opposite Levi. “I hope that this could make up for helping my daughter through the night.”

Levi almost choked on his eggs.

His look must have caused the older man to chuckle. “I saw you enter her room.”

“We did not-” Levi felt the need to explain himself, though he usually wasn’t one to. But there would be something very wrong there if you do not explain your fucking ass for going to a girl’s room in the middle of the bloody night to her father.

Mr Ral shook his head. “I know. You are a gentleman; Petra always remind me that in the letter.”

Levi thought he was far from it but he kept quiet.

“Thank you for healing her. I feel like you are the only one who can get through her now,” Mr Ral smiled wistfully.

Before Levi could ask what the hell that meant, Mr Ral stood up. “I am going to deliver her breakfast…feed her something before I go on my way,” Mr Ral said. Upon seeing Levi’s questioning look, the man added, “Mr Moblit will be here to escort me back.”

Levi nodded, wondering why he was not staying for a few more days. The castle was a long journey from the main resident area in town.

“I would stay a few more days, you know,” Mr Ral said, startling Levi a bit. He was like a mind reader. “But seeing me here would only bring fear to Petra, I believe. It is unsettling to have me here and I feel like the best thing for Petra now is normalcy, routine…after everything she went through.” He said the last part meaningfully, sneaking a blatant glance at Levi. Mr Ral hesitated then managed a tiny smile. “I know she is in good hands.”

Something in Mr Ral’s voice hinted that there were more than he let on. But Levi was too overwhelmed to grasp that.

The older man left Levi in the kitchen alone. The short man flitted his gaze toward the carrot stew on the table. It was a little heavy for breakfast but Levi believed that it was for a later meal, considering that breakfast was already abundant. Petra’s father kindness was just like Petra. They have a lot of similarities. The aroma of the carrot stew wafted into Levi’s nose. It smelled like her cooking too.

_Levi stared at his stew on the table. His muscles were aching a little from the rigorous training he put himself and his squad through. He was a little annoyed because he hardly had muscles pain and the fact that Oluo was practically chanting a complaint was making him more irritated. So, when the ginger blonde served dinner, and he saw the pieces of orange devils lying on the thick gravy, he narrowed his gaze and his mood soured even more._

_His squad gathered around to eat, spoons clinking against the bowls. Chatters were starting to fill the air. He poked at the carrot pieces in his bowl._

_“Heichou.”_

_Her voice broke his concentration on making the carrot as mushy as he could._

_“Do you not like carrots?” Petra’s voice was concerned. He hesitated a little, not wanting to sound like a spoilt brat._

_“I am okay with it,” he settled for a vague answer._

_Petra giggled softly and Levi glared at her. She quietened down. “Heichou is a fussy eater,” she commented teasingly. She was in one of those moods where she felt that there was no need for formality. Of course, she still drew her line by calling him his military title, but Levi greatly enjoyed this part of her. It rarely came out._

_He tched. His ears stole snatches of conversations from the other three men who had no problem eating their stew. It was not that he was spoilt. It was just that he had a tiny trauma of eating carrots raw and it was too crunchy for his liking. Some of them were very hard though._

_“They are very hard,” Levi commented suddenly._

_“Huh?” Petra stared at him and then at the offended carrots bobbing in the stew. She seemed confused before realisation drew light into her eyes. “Heichou, the carrots are in a stew,” she remarked._

_He glanced at her, not comprehending._

_Petra laughed, her voice silvery. “Heichou, please try one to see. I promise you I would not be hurt if you spit it out.”_

_He gave her a disgusted look at her suggestion and she laughed lightly again. A warm pleasure to Levi’s ears. Levi dropped his gaze to the orange nasty shit and not wanting to hurt her feelings more than he cared to admit, he took a bite-_

_Oh._

_It was soft. As in effortlessly soft. Didn’t require much chewing. Far, far different from the carrots he tasted. And definitely better._

_His expressions must have revealed something because there was a smile on the ginger beauty’s face. Somehow, the look encouraged him to take a few more bites._

_Her smile widened. “Heichou, is it good?”_

_He nodded._

_“I see that I have tame the fussy eater,” Petra teased again, her voice light. But Levi thought that his heart skipped a beat…he was not sure. Weird. What was that?_

_“What are you two talking about?” Oluo asked, directing the table’s attention to the man and woman._

_“It is our secret,” Levi shrugged before Petra could open her mouth. He took another bite of the piece of carrot, and the umami taste of it made his bitter mood dissipate, even if a little. His eyes wandered over to the ginger head and realised she looked bright red under the light. He wondered why._

* * *

 

 

The heavy knock from the entrance door pulled Levi out of his memories. Shaking his head, he went over to open the door, cursing when he felt a sharp pain from the soles of his feet. Was it his imagination or did it hurt even more than just now?

Moblit was standing by the door. He saluted Levi and told him that he was here to wait for Petra’s father. Levi nodded, letting him in. It was time for him to leave for training anyway. He wondered if it was okay for Petra to be alone – probably not. So, he decided to come back earlier than the expected timing to check on her.

His gears were unusually uncomfortable on him on his way to meet Hanji and the rest, though he supposed it was because he just felt very annoyed at the agony his soles were giving him. Every time he shifted his feet, he felt that sharp sensation. His fingers slipped a little and he had to tighten his grp around his reins. His palms felt bizarrely sweaty too. He tched, annoyed. But he would not think about it much, until later. 

* * *

 

“Levi, you okay?” Hanji asked, concern flitting onto her features. “You are sweating a lot…”

“We are training. Of course, I will sweat,” Levi retorted but the tall woman raised an eyebrow at the lack of bite in his reply.

With a grace that usually does not suit her, Hanji landed herself effortlessly beside Levi on the big tree that overlooked Eren’s titan form.

Levi had his arms folded and he was so focused on observing the training, his composure slides a little when Hanji shoved her face right in front of him, leaving only infinitesimal space between their faces. Levi’s eyes twitched, irritation taking over.

“What?” Levi said, displeasure trickling into his voice as he pushed her face away with his palm. Hanji almost lost her balance on the branch and she scowled.

“I am just concern about you,” Hanji answered.

“Don’t stand so close,” Levi said, turning his attention back to the training.

Hanji folded her arms, mimicking Levi’s action. An impish smile crossed her face. “I don’t see how you have that problem with Petra.”

Levi aimed the taller woman an exasperated look. “This has nothing to do with her.”

Hanji shrugged. “Are you going back earlier so that Petra won’t be alone?”

“That is the plan.”

“Hm…” Hanji smiled again, a mischievous one that did not sit well with Levi. Then, her face crumpled into a frown. “Levi, you look really pale.”

“I have always been pretty fair,” he answered dryly which caused the bespectacled woman to laugh. Her laughter died off when she was suddenly thoughtful.

“Did you mention to Petra about the…”

“No.”

“I haven’t finish speaking,” Hanji pouted.

Levi did not reply and merely leaned against the tree trunk, feeling the wet and thick liquid in his boots. The bandages must be drenched, though it was no surprise because he had been going through vigorous training for a few hours without changing them. He shifted uncomfortably.

Hanji, observant as ever, caught the little movement. “Levi, go back. You are not feeling well.”

“I don’t take orders from people of the same rank.”

“You have to go back. Erwin is going to the castle now to talk to Petra about it.”

That snapped Levi to attention. He glared at her. “This better not be a joke.”

“It isn’t,” Hanji said, grimacing. “Erwin was dead set on carrying the plan and he knows you too well to know you won’t talk about it to Petra. We both know you have a soft spot-”

“I am leaving the training to you,” Levi said and his voice was clipped. He did not want to hear things that would already upset the situation even more.

 

His heart pounded in his chest as he swallowed the pain that was becoming more perceptible as the minutes ticked by. It did not help that he had to land on branches to hook the 3DMG on trees when he had to change direction. The pressure when his feet came in contact with the branches shot fire up his legs. He tched, frustrated that his pace was slower than normal. He had to reach faster than Erwin-

He had left his horse with Hanji because his 3DMG will probably be faster amidst the bumpy and difficult roads. Sweat weaved its way down his back and his forehead and typically, Levi would be irked at the sensation. But everything was pushed away – his pain included – into the back of his mind when he thought about Erwin confronting Petra.

At that thought, more adrenaline pumped into his veins and he managed to push himself. Relief was far greater than any feelings, thoughts or sensations when the castle loomed into view. He settled his foot on the castle ground, cussing under his breath when his legs almost gave way from the obliterating agony that was protesting now. He ignored it.

His eyes wandered around the ground wildly and his heart sank when he caught sight of Erwin’s horse tied to the stable. A silhouette underneath the afternoon sun was sauntering toward the castle entrance. He widened his gaze.

“Erwin!”

His voice was hoarse but clear and firm. The blonde man stopped in his track and turned. His calm shocking blue irises widened a little, knock off by Levi’s presence.

Levi was stomping toward him, a darkening scowl marring his face. “Erwin, what is the meaning of this?”

The blonde man regarded the shorter man with an unfathomable gaze. “You didn’t tell her.”

Not a question, but a statement.

The piercing look Erwin gave would usually made a soldier cave under pressure and submit. But Levi was not like any.

“No,” Levi replied evenly.

“Why?”

“Did you not see her condition?” Levi spat, glaring up at his trusted comrade.

“She will be fine-”

“Fine?” Levi repeated icily. Erwin had the audacity to look slightly taken aback.

There was silence – a standoff.

Then, the blonde regal man sighed, eyes softening. “Levi, there was a condition from the Royal Government. If we do not go through with this proposal, Eren will be handed over to them. You know the consequences of that.”

There was instant reaction from Levi – he froze.

It was seconds later when he spoke. “Why didn’t you say this earlier?”

Erwin was unblinking when he said it. “You left before I can finish.”

It was Levi’s turn to accept the blow. He did it quietly. Sighing, he rubbed his hands over his face wearily but he did not say anything. There was no agreement, no promise but also no denial.

Erwin took it as a sign. A good one. He patted the raven hair man on the shoulder. A comforting gesture. “I am sorry,” he said softly.

Levi tensed at Erwin’s hand on his shoulder. The hand was heavy on his shoulder. A weight. A responsibility. “Of course,” Levi replied tersely before he removed the blonde hair man’s hand. “Erwin, leave now.”

He received no reply from the blonde, just another supportive squeeze that was not very reassuring because it carried a sternness. Then, Erwin was off, walking across the ground to fetch his stallion. Levi remained where he was until he heard the sound of the hoofs fading. Only then did he gather the strength to walk into the castle.

He was barely five steps in before he dropped himself on the floor unceremoniously. The adrenaline was drained out of him and the agony was back with malice this time around. He closed his eyes. He was suddenly very tired.

Where would he be if he had Isabel and Furlan with him now?

“H…heichou?” Her soothing voice rang out in the empty hallway.

“He…heichou?” The voice was louder, closer. And there was worries in it.

He pried opened his eyes and met pool of irises.

“Heichou, are you okay?” Petra’s eyes widened. “What are you-omph!”

Perhaps it was the crushing weight of his responsibility, perhaps it was his uncertainty and doubts, or perhaps it was just because it was her, he reached up to grab her and pulled her into an embrace. She could feel her shock and underneath his fatigue, he was able to sense that this was a bad thing to do. She had trouble with physical contact. He was about to quickly pull her away when she returned his gesture.

He stilled. Hands hovering awkwardly near her back. Marvelling at the warmth that seeped through him as their skin touched.

“Heichou?” There was a questioning tone but Levi could almost imagine the shyness – it was almost tangible. When he did not answer, she try and shift in their locked position but he tightened his grip around her. She flinched, obviously still not back to her old self but relaxed in a few moments. “Hei-”

“Shh,” he mumbled. He was so tired…

“H-heichou! Are you injured somewhere? The smell of blood!”

He leaned his head against her shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent. She tensed underneath his sudden motion but was quick to respond. Her voice was urgent now.

“Let me see where you are hurt!”

“In a while…” Levi muttered. He wanted to sleep. Everything felt really hazy. He could feel his eyelid getting heavier and for once, he wanted to surrender to sleep, wanted to continue feeling this warmness.

“No! Heichou, please don’t doze off!” Petra was struggling in his grip now. “Heichou, don’t scare me like this!! I-I don’t want to lose you too!”

That broke him out of his sleepiness. He pulled away slightly, not enough to untangle himself from her but enough to lock eyes with her. They stare at each other, unflinching. Levi was the first to relent – he always was when it came to her. He sighed, a breathy noise against the back of his throat as he attempted to kick his boots away.

There was a gap from the ginger beauty.

His irises flickered toward the scene on his foot. Grisly was one thing. A total mess was another. He grimaced as the metallic smell permeated into the air.

“What did you do?” Petra was saying frantically as she started removing herself from him.

“Stay,” Levi said, voice firm despite his agony.

Petra was quiet. “I will be back.” Levi sighed again and let go. There was the sound of rustling and banging but he tuned it all out. The pain and the exhaustion were finally catching up with him and he felt extremely woozy and cold.

“God,” Petra was by his side again, tending to his feet. “Why-”

Her sentence ended abruptly, causing Levi to look at her.

“Is it…is it because of the glass shards?” Her eyes had widened and the guilt that shimmered in her irises was unbearable.

“No,” Levi lied. “I was injured from today’s training.”

Petra did not say anything and he was sure she was not convinced. He let slipped a sigh again and was about to open his mouth when she shook her head.

“Don’t lie,” her voice was soft, laced with overwhelming guilt and there was a warning note in her voice – she was going to cry anytime soon.

Levi shut his mouth and did not say anything. He watched, with more agony delivered to his chest than his feet, as her tears cascaded down like raindrops. His hand reached up to touch her hair but he hesitated. Erwin’s words were still fresh in his mind. He did not want to hurt her. He was about to put down his hand when she suddenly looked at him through her eyes glazed with tears. She looked at his hand and then back at him. Her hands were tainted with his blood and the floorboards were crimson red.

It was like hell.

But as she pressed her lips on his so gently, it felt like hell was nothing but a mere illusion.

He though at that moment if she shared the same feeling as him now and that Erwin’s proposal was not a mean to an end, he would be the happiest man in hell.

And that thought would linger with him till the end of his life.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Created

Definition: Brought (something) into existence

Chapter 4

* * *

 

“Petra, I am leaving then…”

Her dad casted her one more forlorn look that made her heart ached physically. She nodded, eyes silently following his figure until he left the room.

She fell onto her bed, letting the air whooshed out of her lung voluntarily. Her eyes traced the faint cracks on the ceiling; thoughts immediately flying to her beloved father. He had tried his best for her. He went through so many troubles to visit her and all she could do was utter words that were of single or double syllables to him. She had failed as a daughter.

She had failed as a soldier.

Petra squeezed her eyes tight, cringing as memories flitted underneath her closed eyelids. Oluo, Eld, Gunther… Their deaths resounded in her like a smack on her cheeks. It was difficult to stand up again when she felt so…empty. Although she had come across many morbid and ghastly deaths, this was different. She had known the three men for many years. Though only Oluo was in the same batch as her, Eld and Gunther were always seen as acquaintances from the other batches even before they were in a squad together. She knew Eld’s fiancée and had tea with her on her rest days; she knew Oluo’s siblings – all of them – and had played with them occasionally; she knew Gunther’s parents and ate their delicious meals. She didn’t even know she was crying until she felt the wetness dripping onto her thighs. She roughly wiped them away. This happened a lot since she had woken up from her nightmare…just to enter another living nightmare.

She did not even realise she relied so much on her squad until they left her. She had a gaping hole in her bleeding heart that was consuming her inside out every single day without a single cure. They were her emotional anchors and she felt like drowning without them.

Drowning. Suffocating. Everything felt confined and trapped. She just wanted to vanish…

She had never felt so useless. Not even during her first expedition and when she encountered a titan and soiled her pants. This was nothing like it. She was scared…

For the first time, she was admitting her inner fear that echoed in all the soldiers. But it was never spoken.

Titans.

The fleshy pink titan that smashed her to the tree made her flinched just from the mere thought of it. The excruciating pain delivered from the deadly blow… Petra digs her fingers into her skin so hard, she was certain there were crescent marks. This was the only way to bring her back to reality – that she was still alive, that physical contact was not painful… How can she ever engage in combat again if she cannot even bear contact? And sound. Loud sounds. The helpless screams of doomed soldiers, the scream from Oluo to get away and her own scream that sounded like it was ripped from her vocal cord. Even the sound of water made her hypersensitive… Water…

Her thought began digressing from her traumatic experiences to a raven hair man.

Heichou.

He had bathed her. Petra could feel her cheeks warming even when she was now lying nonchalantly on her bed. She was too caught up in her own panic to escape from the water that sounded like a roaring waterfall to comprehend that he had dragged her into the shower with him. It was only after he had gently soaped her had she broke out of her trance. It was almost weird how she had not freaked out in his touches and his caresses. There was something in his touches that calmed her, that reminded her that physical contacts were okay and not full of agony. There were so many instances he was so careful with her and so caring that she felt herself slowly opening up to him and managing more words to him than anyone else.

She wouldn’t say that Heichou had healed her scars in her heart. There were too many to fade all at once and she wasn’t even sure if they would go away. But after the night before, she was sure she would not engage in such dangerous behaviour anymore. She absentmindedly brushed her finger over her wrist. His voice – his voice chased with grief – told her that she was the only one left.

And so was he. He was the only one she had left in her old life. So she understood his unspoken fear. Because she was scared too and she would not do the same to him. She can’t lose him too. Her last emotional anchor. Her precious person as he always was.

She opened her eyes again and sat up. Her hand moved to fly toward her chest. It was pounding hard. Her leg clumsily kicked her bed frame when the sounds of hoof disrupted her thoughts and caused her to scramble out of bed in apprehension. She attempted to calm herself down by breathing deeply and telling herself that it was Heichou.

Heichou.

Her heart beat faster again. “Quieten down,” she mumbled to herself, hand pressing against her ribcage. She spied the bedroom door from her peripheral vision and hesitated. She had not leave her room on her own accord but…she thought she would try. Try and show Heichou that she was okay and that he should not be so worry. He had stayed with her for more than he needed to and cared for her more than he should. Creeping toward the door like a prey escaping from her predator, Petra pulled opened the door warily.

Silence hovered in the air.

Taking a huge gulp of air, she summoned her lost bravery, and tiptoed down the staircase. She realised that the house was empty and wondered to herself where everyone was. Who was living here now anyway? She didn’t had a single clue and not for the first time she was reminded of how detached she was from reality. She carefully stepped near the entrance, eyes trained on the door and waited for the man who she wanted to welcome home.

**“Erwin!”**

The sound of his voice – pain evident in it – floated through the small gap from the entrance door.

Petra frowned. Commander…? Was he here to send her home? A fresh wave of panic stabbed her. She didn’t want to leave!

She slowly moved her way to the entrance of the door and pressed her ears against it. Something told her that this was not exactly a behaviour a soldier will demonstrate but before she can chastise herself, her attention was stolen by the men’s conversation.

**“You didn’t tell her.”**

Petra frowned. Who was the ‘her’?

**“Did you not see her condition?”**

Heichou’s voice brought Petra back to reality. She flinched a little at his brusque tone. There were steel and ice weaved into it and Petra was surprised that Heichou expressed such unpleasant vocalisation, especially to the commander.

Who was the ‘her’…?

**“Levi, there was a condition from the Royal Government. If we do not go through with this proposal, Eren will be handed over to them. You know the consequences of that.”**

Petra frowned. What was happening? This sounded very serious…She pressed her ear harder against the door as though as doing so would aid in her hearing. But the voices were fainter as the conversation progressed and Petra groaned in frustration. How much did she miss out during her…episode?

There was the sounds of hoofs and Petra instantly backed away from the door before dashing to hide in the kitchen. Her heart pounded against her chest as the door creaked opened. Light filtered in through the opened door. Why was she hiding?

With a feeble attempt to steady her breath and push the puzzlement swirling in her head, she cautiously peeked out of her hiding area.

And gaped at the raven hair man collapsed in a heap on the floor.

“H…heichou?” She called out nervously. When there was no reply, she repeated his name and approached the figure. There was a slowly but steadily growing spark of fear in her belly and she thought she felt her hands trembled.

“Heichou, are you okay? What are you-omph!” She was so scared – so scared – that that she was losing him somehow from his weak-looking state that the air was knocked out of her lung when she was suddenly caught in an embrace. She tensed from the surprise contact, quickly reminding herself that it was heichou, that it was completely safe with him. It was only when she had convinced herself that she felt him pulling away.

No!

Somewhere in her mind, a voice reverberated in her head. Her hands shot up desperately to return his hug, tightening her grasp around his shoulder, clutching to his jacket. She could feel that he was perspiring more than normal. The fear returned – momentarily forgotten in her surprise – and ran her blood cold. She cannot lose him too-!

She felt his hands hovering behind her back, not quite touching her. She was flabbergasted at how strongly she felt about this. She wanted him to touch her, wrap her around his comforting presence and tell her he was okay. Since when did she rely so much on him? Since when was he so important?

Always, always very important to her. There was a selfish part of her who was glad that the steel grey irises man was not with them during the attack. He was safe – her last thought before she faded to unconsciousness during her injuries was of that.

When she realised he remained quiet, she said his name questioningly.

“Shhh…” he mumbled. Petra frowned against his warm chest. The fear was not subsiding and his actions and words only made the terror inside her grew. She pressed harder into his chest, ignoring the rancid smell of his sweat and checked his heartbeats. It seemed fainter than one person’s heart would be…

Wait. Petra sniffed cautiously. Was that the vile smell of…

“H-heichou! Are you injured somewhere? The smell of blood!” She exclaimed loudly but the only reactions she received from the other occupant in the room was his head dropping onto her shoulder and a soft mutter.

Her heart skipped a beat at what he just did. His hair tickled her cheeks a little… She snapped out of her trance when she saw his eyes closing.

“No! Heichou, please don’t doze off!” Petra panicked and her eyes frantically ran the length of the room, spotting the medical pack lying forlornly on the top of a cabinet. She started pushing him away from her but his grip was very tight. She pushed harder, vocalising her frustration with small groans. Still, his hold seemed to tighten. Her increasing anxiety and frustration caused the words she did not want to say to slip out of her mouth.

“Heichou, don’t scare me like this!! I-I don’t want to lose you too!”

Her words seem like an effective slap. He let her go a little and the coldness that hit her from that action made her breath hitched. Her eyes danced toward his foot as the sound of shoes scrapping against the floor caught her attention. She gaped. There was scarlet blood – glaringly red against his pale and sweaty skin – and patches of dried blood in brown.

Her mind went blank. She could feel herself saying something, voice rose in a frightening hysteric tone but she did not understand herself. All she could feel was a bubble of fear threatening to burst in her. All she could see was the corpse of Heichou – her beloved Heichou – lying lifelessly alongside her comrades. All she could hear was the monster chanting in her that she had lost him – like she had lost everyone else around her. The roaring of that devil in her was suffocating, horrendous, staggeringly loud and-

“Stay.”

His voice pierced through her. The bubble of fear gently popped without dire consequences. The frozen terrified rictus etched upon the faces of each corpse slowly melted away. The devil’s voice stopped. Calm, warm, soothing. A strange tranquillity settled upon her – serenity in chaos. Her vision shifted to see dark grey irises akin to a stormy sky looking at her incomprehensibly.

“I will be back,” she heard herself saying. Then, she was up, scrambling for the cabinet and almost tripping in her haste. She missed his embrace the moment she was away from him but she focused on the more important thing, chiding herself for her wrong priorities and selfishness.

She was back to his side in mere seconds, dropping herself on her knees without a care to whether they bruised or not. She muttered to herself again, wondering why he was sustaining this injury – these injuries that looked like something-

Oh.

She asked him with shaky voice, wanting to deny that she had hurt him. He said no but there was no relief on Petra’s side. She knew him well. Both of them knew each other well. When you are on battle fields facing gigantic man-eating monsters every day, you tend to know the person better than your significant other to be very honest. You know the person’s little quirks when he or she was nervous, was startled or lying very obviously.

“Don’t lie,” her voice trembled and it hurts. The guilt that washed into her hurt. Worse than even the pain that she undergone during her encounter with the female titan. But of course. This is emotional pain. Pain that cannot be healed with bandages or medicine. Without realising, she had her eyes fixed on the raven hair man. In her fuzzy vision – since when was she crying? – She saw him reached up to touch her hair. It must be conditioned reaction because before he touched her hair she felt that pleasure tingle ran over her spine lightly. Before disappointment stabbed as he dropped his hand. She glanced at his hand and then slowly back at him, sure that her feelings were clearly written on her expressions.

She loved this man. No. She love him. And she didn’t want to lose him. Not to anyone. Not to the universe. She wanted him by her side yesterday, today and tomorrow-

With almost unconscious volition, she had pressed her lips to his. She felt his body loosened and his arms touched her shoulders. Petra thought there was a curl of smile on his lips as hers moulded with him. But she was not sure. His tongue swept over her lips boldly and she granted him entrance. The kiss was not gentle – it was tensed and filled with overwhelming feelings that had been buried for so goddamn long, they erupted into this one single kiss. As Petra’s tongue battled against his, she thought he tasted beautiful. His hand lightly drifted across to her waist and it tickled, causing her to giggle against his opened mouth. She tasted her own salty tears but it was all washed away with that sweet taste of him.

All too soon, the kiss ended. It was her who broke away first from the lack of oxygen. She was a mess, she could feel. She felt tears already dried on her face and those disgusting snots leaking out of her nostrils. It was freaking embarrassing, considering that Heichou was staring at her intently. His eyes flickered toward her nose and she swatted him out of instinct for her embarrassment.

He smiled a little.

Petra widened her eyes. “Heichou…” she trailed off as his fingers reached out to wipe away her tears. Then, his hand travelled to her hair and he ran his forefinger along the length of her ginger lock. She almost purred. Feeling the room went up a few degree, she took a deep breath and change topic.

“I am sorry,” she muttered as they both glanced at his bloody foot which was bandaged halfway.

“It is not your fault,” Levi replied.

“But-!”

“I want you safe.” Petra’s mouth opened and no words came out. She closed it again. Her eyes softened, locking with his unfathomable ones. “Me too. I want you safe.” She thought he smiled again but it could be the shadow and light playing trick with her. “Heichou...I…erm…your shoulder…you need to let go of me for me to bandage you.”

* * *

 

“Heichou and everyone…?”

The light buzzing in the room with the soft occasional clinking of cutlery and the whispers of conversations stopped when a ginger blonde with strikingly warm amber irises hovered at the doorway.

She seemed shy and a little different from how the Petra Eren knew acted. But the brunette grinned cheerfully, breaking into such a dazzling smile that Mikasa narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the petite girl at the doorway. The Asian beauty only relaxed when Levi nodded and called her name, “Petra.”

"I-,” Petra stalled. She did not know what to say. She had woken up in the morning and felt determined to make a change. She had changed into her uniform which felt weird but good at the same time. She almost imagined Eld slapping her back and giving her a thumb-up which gave a fresh wave of courage for her to step out of her door.

There were scrapping of chairs and rustling sounds that brought her attention back to the dining table. Everyone had shifted to make a space for her to sit beside…Heichou.

She felt herself faltered. Since the kiss in the afternoon yesterday, they had not interacted. She had bolted back to her room – flustered and perplexed – and locked herself in, skipping dinner along.

Hanji had come over in the evening and checked on her. She talked to the tall woman a little, surprising both herself and Hanji in the process. But the pony-tail squad leader seemed enthusiastic and even more bubbly than usual, which made Petra proud of herself. Petra also apologised to Hanji about the scratches the latter had incurred due to the former. Hanji had brushed it off and asked her if she knew about Levi’s conditions. She was about to answer and confessed her guilt but the raven hair man came by with a suspiciously impeccable timing and lied that he injured his foot due to a small incident with the stairs.

“Petra, is it? Come and sit down!”

Petra snapped her head up in the direction of a red-haired girl munching on a potato. Petra nodded. ‘Thank you…” she trailed off, offering a small sheepish smile when she realised she did not know the friendly girl’s name. She did not even know anyone here, saved for Eren and Heichou.

“Sasha,” the potato girl chirped. “I heard from Heichou that you will be down for breakfast today so I prepared extra!”

Petra widened her eyes.

“It was more for you, anyway,” Mikasa injected savagely. Sasha opened her mouth to protest but Petra was not paying attention to the scene anymore. Her eyes darted toward the man sitting at the head of the table, nursing a cup of tea.

As if on cue, his eyes flickered to her.

Their eyes locked.

The effect was instant. She blushed and looked away sharply. She knew – everyone in her…former squad except Heichou probably – that she was in love with the raven hair man but this…this overwhelming feeling for him was scandalous and ridiculous. She shook her head. It must be the kiss that dented her the box that had carefully sealed away feelings. Quietly, she took a seat beside him. Everyone had resumed their normal conversations and Petra realised that Heichou was quiet. Not that it was a surprise. He rarely engage in conversations. She hesitated, taking a sip of her tea. She tried not to grimace. It was definitely made by Eren.

“The tea is shit, Ral,” the man beside him snorted, scoffing at the offended liquid. “I thought you would make it down earlier today to make one. I was waiting,” he shot her a look that was torn between teasing and accusing. Petra felt her heart skipped a beat. God.

“How…do you know I will be here today?” Petra’s eyes drifted toward the other people to see if anyone was listening but they were all occupied with their small talks and bickering.

“You are not the only one who knows me well,” Levi answered rather monotonously, referring to the small incident yesterday where she detected that he lied. Reminded of the kiss, Petra’s face flared. However, she opted to be a coward and changed the topic.

“How’s your feet?” She muttered quietly. A stab of guilt greeted her again but as soon as it was there, Levi spoke.

“Don’t give that face. You look ugly.”

Petra glared jokingly and the man beside her commented, “It is nice to have you back.”

!!!

Petra dropped her fork and the conversations across the table ceased again. Mumbling a quick sorry, she snatched her fork up and turned to look at Heichou. But he was already pushing himself away from the table; there was no indication if his earlier statement was merely a sentence misunderstood by Petra or she had simply misheard. “Brats, training will be in half an hour,” Levi announced curtly before leaving. Petra stared at his back, realising how broad it was…

“Petra?” Her attention got stolen by Eren and for the remaining fifteen minutes she was introduced to the rest of the new squad. She had never found herself smiling so much after … everything. And again, she thought she saw Eld, Gunther and Oluo giving her an encouraging pat on the shoulder.

Afterward, she was left with another fifteen minutes to go and she sort of lingered in the kitchen, uncertain if she should find him. But a moment later, she realised she wanted to see him. Sighing, she made him a cup of black tea before she made her way up to his office. He was there – like he would before every training – sitting on his chair and staring darkly at the piles of documents on his desk.

She knocked and he glanced up. He raised an eyebrow, seeming surprise that she was there. She was a little offended at that but marched in.

“Black tea since…erm… you didn’t really touch your tea earlier on,” Petra explained as she set the tea before him, her bravery sliding a little at his presence.

“That was because it was shit. The brat does better in cleaning than this,” Levi replied sourly, raising his cup like a toast to her before taking a sip. He seemed satisfied and Petra smiled.

“You like it,” she pointed out. It was not a question.

“Of course,” Levi looked at her like she had grown an extra head. “I have waited for this cup of tea.” There was a light teasing tone teetering his otherwise dead tone. Petra caught it and she felt herself reddening. Coughing to cover her embarrassment, she asked, “Can I help you…erm…change your bandage?” Petra gestured toward his feet.

Levi sighed. “I can do it.”

“But!”

“Oi, at least listen to me when I tell you not to feel-”

“I want to!” Petra exclaimed before she could stop herself, interrupting the man and startling both of them. “Sorry! I didn’t meant to interrupt. I-I mean,” she stumbled. “I…”

“Okay,” Levi shrugged but gave her a stern look. “I don’t want an apology. This is an order.”

Petra nodded reluctantly and took the first-aid box available in the office. She slowly peeled back the bandages, cringing a little at the huge patches of dried blood. Luckily, the blood seemed to have stopped flowing and the situation was better than the day before. Releasing a sigh of relief, she began changing his bandages and cleaning his wounds. She worked quietly, trying to hold in the guilt and regret and the apology that was sitting on top of her tongue. He was silent too and Petra attempted a sneaky look at the raven hair man. He was reading the document on the table, a frown marring his handsome features. After a few minutes, he spoke.

“Honestly, Petra… it is rude to stare at people.”

“Eh?” Petra felt herself blushing at being caught.

“I can feel your gaze burning a hole into my 3DMG.”

Petra pouted and ducked her head when Levi turned to look at her. She felt the temperature in the room rose to an unbearable level when she felt him continuing to stare at her. “H-heichou, it is rude to stare at people,” she stuttered.

Levi made a sound of amusement. “Huh. You are refusing to meet my eyes. I am merely wondering why.” “It is-,” Petra hesitated. “Embarrassing.” “Is it?” Levi drawled, playing with his pen. “Didn’t you do it before, during and after the kiss?”

!!!

Petra felt her jaws unhinged and she covered her opened mouth with the back of her palm as her eyes flew to meet his. Incomprehensive emotions seemed to swirl in those dark mysterious orbs of his. “What?”

Levi did not reply. His eyes were suddenly trained on her underside of wrist that was facing his direction. “You didn’t do it.”

Petra blinked. “P…pardon?” She asked, confused at the sudden change of events.

“There were no more new wounds or scars,” the man remarked. She followed his gaze and realised what he was saying.

“N-no...” she paused, gathering her thoughts. “I promise you I won’t hurt myself anymore, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

Petra smiled softly. “I know you said I shouldn’t say sorry. So…I want to say thank you.”

“For?” Levi tilted his head a little to the side. Petra’s heart fluttered. Oh gosh. That was adorable-

“Er-erm,” Petra mentally whacked herself back to reality. “I have been very out of it…these few weeks. I am so thankful for your patience and your care.”

“It was a difficult and trying time.”

She nodded thoughtfully and sadly, mind shifting to the comrades she lost and would never reunite with. Without another word, she finished cleaning up his wounds. Their silence was only broken by Levi who stood up. “I am heading out for training. You should rest.”

“I am going!” Petra looked up from putting back the equipment into the box to-

Oh.

His change in posture had led to a little inconvenience and a rather compromising position. She knew she was red in the face without even having to check in the mirror. Her face was drew incredibly close to his crotch. She thought she saw the outline of-

Focus! Petra scolded herself mentally. She had to drag herself away from the indecent thoughts that were brewing in her mind.

The raven hair man did not seem to take notice and stepped away from the table. “Petra, you are not going today.”

“Why?” Petra felt herself protesting unhappily.

Levi fixed her a reprimanding look. “Because you are not ready.”

“We will never be ready in or for battles. We just do the things with the least regret – you taught us that,” Petra retorted.

Levi narrowed his gaze but she did not flinch. She felt another pat on her shoulder. Oluo. He had that gleeful look on his face, seeming to cheer her up for going against Heichou.

“Heichou…” Petra tried again. “We don’t know when is the next time sometime bad happen…I want to be trained for it to…” Petra’s voice faded. She did not know if the next thing she said may sound controversial or scandalous but it was the truth. The very truth she always deny from the very beginning.

“I want to protect you. I don’t want to lose you.”

_I love you._

* * *

 

The training was tough. Petra felt beads of sweat weaved their ways lazily down her forehead and back. Frustrated, she roughly wiped them off with the back of her hand. Her stamina had declined downhill at a startling speed but it was not very surprising since she had not trained for a while.

It was mid-afternoon when they moved on to combat battle. She was just grabbing her blades when she froze at the sounds of blades exchanging blows just a few feet away from her. The loud metal clangs caused her to scrunch her shoulders. For a minute there, her fight-or-flight respond kicked in and she was almost that close to choosing the latter when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Oi, Petra. Breathe,” his warm breath tickled her ear and she fought a shudder that had nothing to do with her stress response. She nodded mutely and released a loud gulp of breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

“You are fine. I am here,” Levi muttered. “It was just Eren and Connie warming up.” She nodded again, not daring herself to speak in case she lost control. She wildly searched for something to grasp hold on – something that made her felt solid and secure.

Before his hand took hers. A warm and firm grasp. A promise. She exhaled loudly, serenity coursing through their joint hands to her entire system.

“We are going to pair off. Eren and Connie. Armin and Mikasa and Sasha and Jean,” Levi instructed. As the others move into their respective positions, Petra hesitated.

“Heichou…?”

“Are you ready for it?” Petra forced herself to plaster on a smile. “Ready.” She felt her fingers tightened over the hilt of the blades, swallowing her saliva that suddenly felt very dry.

Levi was not convinced but he nodded. “No regrets?”

Petra closed her eyes for a fleeting moment. In the warm pitch darkness, Eld, Gunther and Oluo were standing there. They smiled.

She opened her eyes again and met the gaze of the raven hair man she wanted to devote her entire life to and stay with him from here onward to eternity.

She had fallen so deep. Like Alice in Wonderland in the bunny hole. Tumbling, tumbling. But unlike the blonde girl in the storybook her father read to her when she was younger, she did not want to stop. It was exhilarating, disconcerting but oh so wonderful. It will not be returned, she knew, but in this tragedy of a love story, there was a clarity.

“No regrets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isayama would probably frown at my Alice in Wonderland reference. But I am still certain that the SNK world has books, right? Hahaha. Thanks again for reading and for all the love you all have given for this story,


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Created

Brought (something) into existence

Chapter 5

* * *

Petra hissed as her fingers gently brushed against her aching muscles. She stared with contempt at the showerhead. One water droplet dripped from it and hit the bucket. She flinched, scowling at herself in the mirror. She sighed. She had already taken the first step to interact with people, to eat and to face the blades today. So why can’t she just hear the sound of water? It was not that loud, honestly-

She halted in her steps. Okay. Admittedly, it was because Heichou was present and that was why she felt so secured in training. Her hand flew to her naked chest. It felt so weird to finally acknowledge her repressed feelings for the man she had admired since the very first day she stepped into Survey Corps. She had always known that she liked him more than she should. Heck, everyone knew. Thus, Oluo’s constant teasing. But to so bluntly put her feelings into clear and concise thoughts…

What do I do? She silently asked. She missed the sensible and comforting advices from Gunther, the quiet but observant Eld who always lend a listening ear to her issues – no matter romantic or not – and more than she cared to admit, she yearned for Oluo’s teasing and stupid antics to make her feel relax and at ease. She sighed, slumped against the wall. The air was cold, causing goose bumps to form on her delicate skin. A feeling of emptiness hit her and it was so strong – so like the emotions that swept her into unquenchable sobs – that she hunched over with her hand against her chest as though as such action would contain her pain. She did not even know she made a sound to rouse someone’s attention until there was a light knock on the door.

She snapped her head in the direction of the door, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Messy hair, wild amber eyes and sweat sheening off her pale skin. She looked like a craze woman. Attempting to control her breathing, she called out. “I am sorry! I will be out soon!”

“It is just me.”

“H-heichou?” Petra asked, surprise. “I am the only one in the residence. Sent the brats to refill our 3DMG,”the man behind the door paused. “Take your time to shower.”

Something in his tone made Petra realised that he knew she had difficulty cleaning herself up. She flushed, ashamed and embarrassed. “I am sorry,” she said.

“You did the training well today.”

Something in his compliment made Petra felt warmth seeped into her, replacing that emptiness that was threatening to drown her mere seconds ago. There was a pregnant pause and Petra thought he had walked away when he spoke again.

“Are you okay?” Again, it was his subtle hint to indicate that he had indeed heard her anguish cry.

“I-I am fine.”

“You are a worse liar than me.”

Petra bit her lips. She hated admitting her weakness in front of him; she wanted to be a brave soldier in his eyes. “It is just that the sound of water is, well, pretty loud.” “

So is the sound of blade.”

“But, it is not the same!” She objected weakly.

“How so?” The voice behind the door challenged.

“Because Heichou is there!” She blurted out, spurred on by his challenging tone. It was a beat too late when she registered her logical interpretation of those words and her hands flew to her mouth. She was mortified.

Silence ensued and she was about to open her mouth to apologise, to say something – anything – when the man tched. Her heart sank. “Sor-”

“I can stay.”

“Eh?”

“Oi, listen to me the first time I talk.”

“I did…it was just…” Petra’s voice wavered. “I don’t really understand,” she all but whispered meekly. There was a small flame of hope blooming in her but she extinguished it as quickly as it ignited.

“Petra, have anyone tell you…you are fucking dense?”

She pouted, though he can’t see through the door. “Please clarify yourself, Heichou!” “I said I can stay.

What else do you want me to say?” His voice took on an irritated tone but there was a subtle suggestion that it was only a façade to hide his embarrassment. To which Petra found endearing. She allowed a small smile to creep onto her face, marvelling at how his mere presence and his conversations with her chased away the dark and ruthless demons in her heart.

“You better bathe soon, else you will catch a cold without your clothes.”

!!!

“Hei-Heichou, how-d-do you know I am naked?!” Petra’s voice went up several pitches and she was sure her face was flushed even without looking at the mirror.

He snorted. “You bathe with clothes on?” He asked wryly.

“I-I do not!” Petra protested hotly. “I-erm-yes, I am naked now!” She mentally thwacked herself in the head for saying such indecent things to her higher-up.

“What am I supposed to do with that information, Ral?” There was that light teasing tone again.

“You pervert!” Petra gasped, affronted but at the same time knowing that her face was now the shade of red that could put the word ‘red’ to shame.

“I am leaving then,” Levi said and Petra could almost see that he was sulking. She almost laughed and that was a surprise in itself. Laughter…she had almost forgotten how that sounded like. How she sounded when she laughed.She approached the door. “Heichou, I am kidding.”

There was no reply.

Her smile slides from her face. “Heichou?” She repeated, concern slipping into her voice. D…did he really leave? Again, only silence replied her. “Heichou!” Panic frothed out of her like a can of shaken beer that was just opened.

“What?” His voice echoed and it hid a note of impishness that was not lost on Petra. She reddened at how desperately clingy she was when her tense shoulders relaxed. Since when did she rely on him so much… “I thought you left,” she mumbled.

“I thought you didn’t want me around.”

“I-I want you around…” Petra blushed harder. “Geez…you are such a tease,” her voice dropped in volume but she was sure the man across the door heard. He chuckled, a sound so rare to her ears that she froze briefly.

“Okay,” he said, voice sounding soft and Petra can imagine his dark irises softening into a gaze that made her inside flutter. She nodded, although he cannot see. She leaned her forehead against the door. She could heard him leaning against the door. She smiled. So close but so far…

“You better fucking be bathing soon.” His accusing tone made her smile widened. “Yes, Heichou!” Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself. Mumbling that she was going to be safe, she turned on the shower, flinching only ever so slightly at the loud sound of water. But she took a step forward into the water. Because she knew she was safe. He was there.

* * *

 Ruffling her hair in the white fluffy towel, Petra creaked opened the door and peered through it. He had changed his position from standing by the door to the opposite wall. He had his arms folded and was leaning casually against the wall, donned in a simple trouser and white collar shirt. Petra felt her heart thumped loudly against her ribcage as she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

“Erm…” She hesitated, unsure what to say next. She began looking and tugging at the hem of her night dress and in her peripheral vision, she thought the raven hair man was following her gaze. Finally, she looked up.

“Thank you-”

“Petra, what the fuck are you wear-”

They had both spoken at the same time and coincidentally, both stopped to let other go ahead. “Erm, Heichou, you can continue first,” Petra said, curious what he was about to say. But the raven hair man shot her one grumpy look that made her cringe a little. Did she do something wrong?

The man scowled, shaking his head. “Your panties will show underneath that short dress.”

It was Petra’s turn to give her leader a pointed stare, though the faint pink on her cheeks betrayed her. “Heichou, you pervert!”

The man across her had an expression that Petra cannot grasp but the glint in his grey irises cause a cage of butterflies to release in her stomach. “He…” she trailed off as he leaned in, closing the distance between them with a small stride. She took a step back, instinct kicking in but failed to move another step away as her back hit the closed bathroom door. “What are you…?” Her breath hitched in her throat as he moved his face incredibly close to her.

“Your hair smells nice.”

!!!!

Petra felt heat crept up her neck, warming her face quickly. Out of embarrassment, she turned her head away. A bad move, she realised instantly. She had left her neck exposed and his warm breath touched that sensitive part of her delicate skin. She fought a shiver and heat stroked her abdomen. Squeezing her eyes tight, her fingers loosening around the towel she was holding. It slipped onto the floor, gathering between their legs that were almost tangled together from their proximity. Oh God. What is this? “Oi, Petra. If you want to wear such a short dress, wear it only in front of me.”

!!!!!

Petra snapped opened her eyes, heart taking on a ridiculously fast pace. Everything suddenly felt like it was spinning and she felt lightheaded. What…did he just say? Did she misheard?

A loud gasp resonated in the air.

Petra realised a moment too late that the sound was from neither Heichou nor her mouth, which means…

The raven hair man pressed against her must had reached the same conclusion because they both turned their heads simultaneously in the direction of the gasp. Eren – the poor innocent brunette – who had just witnessed this scene turned red. He dropped his milk he had been happily drinking on the floor, causing the white translucent liquid to pool around him in a small puddle. The sight would have been comedic if not for Levi’s glare, Eren’s furious blush, and her frozen posture. Along with the awkwardness that had begun to descend upon the three. Levi was the first to react. Scowling at the brunette, he stepped away from Petra. The warmth that had garnered in their close exchange faded away, leaving Petra with a coldness that she disliked.

“Oi, what are you doing?” Levi continuously glared daggers at the younger man who was agitatedly searching for a way out to the storage room to grab the cleaning supplies.

Petra unfroze and smiled at the brunette reassuringly. “I can clean up with you.” Petra thought the raven hair man gave her an annoyed look but she ignored it, just like how she was trying desperately to erase what just transpired between them.

The brunette nodded. The redness had faded and there was still embarrassment on his face but it was overshadowed by the fear he had in his eyes. “Hei-heichou,” Eren started.

“What?” Levi barked, which made Petra wondered why exactly he was in such a foul mood. He was alright with her just now-

Stop, she reprimanded herself. It was nothing. That was nothing. “We saw Commander Erwin in town and he wanted to see you after dinner…actually, he is waiting for you at your office,” Eren gulped nervously as the older man’s features darkened.

Petra watched curiously as the raven hair man blinked slowly. There was an emotion that was etched on his face that she could not figure out. Nor can it be unseen. Not even after he had sauntered away stiffly.

“Miss P…etra?” She swivelled her attention back to the younger brunette. He still looked sheepish.

“Let’s clean up together and we can get a new bottle of milk together another day!”

* * *

 As Petra watched the brunette walked away after bidding her a goodnight, she began to head to the storage room where she could return the cleaning supplies. They had finished cleaning up the mess and Petra had insisted that Eren goes back to his room and rest. The brunette was a stubborn lad but he eventually gave in and let Petra put the supplies back after she gave him a stern look.

Petra was amused, to say the least. The look was taught by Levi who had once mentioned that she was too soft for her own good. She had laughed it off but he had taken it seriously and decided to teach her the art of glaring. Suffice to say, she was not a very good student in that as compared to when she was on the training ground. But he was determined and let her practiced on Oluo, the poor victim.

Oluo…

The smile that had formed on her lips from the fond memories slipped. An excruciating pain that took her by surprise crashed into her. She winced visibly, stopping in her track. She missed them. So, so much. She wondered what they would say if she admitted that her feelings for Heichou had bloomed so vividly, she was panicking on the inside…

A loud slam of the door on the right side of her cuts her thoughts abruptly. She dropped the bleach and cloth she was holding, startled. The items stubbed her big toes rather painfully, despite her wearing boots. Yet, the pain did not reach her. Because she was in too much shock. Though Petra knew she was getting better in her…ability to overcome her obstacles, sounds like these that are overwhelmingly loud do get to her. Furthermore, it was without warning, aggravating her even more. Without really realising it, she had backed herself to a corner. It was not until the blonde man uttered her name did she snapped up of her trance.

“Petra?”

“Uh-commander,” Petra stammered. She clenched her fists together, forcing herself to be as calm as she can be.

“I believe these are yours,” Erwin bent down to pick up the offended items she dropped. He had a small friendly smile on his face but it was strained and Petra could see the glacier in his intense blue eyes.

“Y-yes,” she muttered, stepping forward to retrieve it. “Thank you.”

“How are you feeling, Petra?” The question took her by surprise but the concern in the man’s voice was palpable and genuine.

“I-I am alright. Just,” she gestured awkwardly. “A little startled by the loud sound.”

“I see,” Erwin replied evenly. He was quiet for a second. “Petra, I was wondering if you know about this policy-”

“Erwin, I though you said you are leaving,” Levi pushed opened the door that was slammed earlier on by Erwin. The man in question turned his head a fraction to stare at the shorter man. The latter stalked out of the door and placed himself in between the former and Petra. Petra felt a bite of surprise. What was with the drop in temperature in the air? With a start, she realised the raven hair man was glowering at the commander. What was happening? Petra could almost taste the tension in the atmosphere and she flinched inwardly. The two man stared silently at each other and it felt that they were engaged in a clandestine conversation, one where Petra was not invited. She was puzzled. Heichou always respected the commander. There never was a moment she could think of – since she began her career as a soldier – that the shorter man had stared with such…intense emotions at the commander. It felt like eternity but it was probably just a fleeting moment later that Erwin made the first move. He broke the spell that seemed to be casted over their heads and stepped away.

“It is late. I have to go,” Erwin said but the steel in his tone showed his displeasure. “Levi, I hope you think it through.” Erwin’s sentence was directed at Levi but when Petra raised her head to look at him, she was taken aback that he was staring straight at her. There was no emotion written in his blue irises that Petra could decipher. But she thought she sensed an unhappiness in them. She swallowed nervously. Did she do something wrong…?

“We had this conversation,” Levi replied in an equally icy tone.

“This is not called protection,” Erwin’s voice had an edge to it. Petra caught the tenseness in Heichou’s back muscles. They rippled as he hunched his back a little but he did not reply.

“We need to do this,” Erwin’s next sentence sounded desperate, almost… Petra frowned. Almost pleading, she decided.

“Erwin, a storm is coming soon. You need to leave.” Something in Levi’s tone insinuated that the conversation was done.

The blonde man’s gaze that had only been softened a mere sentence ago hardened. “Goodbye, Levi. You know this will not be the end.” Again, the man swung his gaze back onto Petra. She felt rooted to the spot under his watchful eyes. “Leave,” Levi said flatly. The blonde man sighed and there was weariness and resignation in them. He gave Petra another long thoughtful glance which made her felt strangely uncomfortable. Then, he left.

His footsteps were just fading away when Petra spoke, hesitating. “H-heichou, what was that about?”

“Did the loud bang scare you?” He did not turn around to face her and Petra was scared to see his expressions for some reasons she could not place.

“A little,” she admitted. “But I am fine.” She paused, letting the silence grew. She tried and think of the times where silence was this uncomfortable with the man in front of her but she could not conjure up a single moment that it was. Tea time with him was relaxing even without them speaking; working with him through countless documents was kind of therapeutic in a masochistic way; partnering with him during combats without communicating were satisfying.

“Heichou-” she started, suddenly finding a need to break the quietness. But the man beat her to it. “Petra, I want to be left alone.” The man’s voice stung and she was once again taken by surprise that his words brought about such impact to her. She exhaled, as though as it will release the pain his words created in her.

“Yes, sir,” she said and then gathering her cleaning supplies, she stepped past him to head to the storage room. She seized a quick glance at him as their shoulders brushed but his obsidian locks fell forward, shadowing his expressions. She let her head fall forward in disappointment and her shoulders hunched. It was not a moment later that she thought she heard something. And it was only after she had returned to her room that she thought Heichou uttered a phrase that sounded like, “I am sorry.”

* * *

 The night descended very quickly that evening. Dark clouds swirled in the sky and across the blanket of gloom, there were flashes of hot silver sometimes. It was half past midnight when Petra heard the first clap of thunder. The untamed power reverberated and echoed across the silent hallways in the castle and travelled to her ears. She slides lower into her blanket, trying to hold on to any warmth and reassurance the blanket would offer. It was little to none.

The sky rumbled again and the air seemed to crack with some sort of electricity. Petra lets out a little shriek that sounded very unlike her. As another arrow of silver light blinded her sight, she thought she saw the silhouette of a large monstrous figure. She squinted, leaning forward in her bed. The modicum of safety of her bed seemed to urge her back, warn her about something sinister. But curiosity always won in the end.

But they say curiosity kills the cat.

A quick bolt of hot silver revealed a lean figure that was most definitely female. But unlike any human. Too tall, too familiar, too terrifying. Her hunter. Said hunter turned her face in that blinding silver moment, with that pink flesh that hid nothing but menace. The figure’s large fingers reached out – those fingers consisting of mere bones – and her mouth stretched even further, exposing yellowish teeth that glinted wildly. Petra was so distracted by the predatory grin it wore on its face she did not notice – until too late – that the fingers were stretched toward her.

She did not know when she flung herself out of bed. But she knew she was already pulling opened the door of her room, feet carrying her out. Her mind was not there – not where she physically was. It was back in the forest, back at the expedition where she could see herself being stabbed with feelings of hopelessness and fear as her squad diminished in number. The scene played before her like a cruel puppet show. She watched herself struggling, struggling to get away from the fate she cannot escape. She knew she would die during her expeditions but when she looked up and saw the shadow of a foot that had fallen over, she realised that death brought about a feeling. This inexplicit feeling arising in her was not fear. It was not anger. Nor was it sadness. With something shattering inside her, she recognised it as regret.

Because she will die without confessing to Heichou. She will die without ever knowing if he would have rejected her or accepted her feeling.

…

…

Who was she kidding? It was probably the former.

Still…

She closed her eyes, waiting for death to overcome her. But maybe it was better this way, she comforted herself. To die alone knowing that he was safe and hoping that he would be… It was not excruciating pain that she felt a second later but a very solid and warm body. She frowned, eyes still closed.

“Petra?”

She cracked opened an eyelid slowly and gingerly, bracing herself. Instead of her hunter, she saw grey irises peeking at her. Concern creased the grey irises which belonged to-

“Hei-heichou?” She heard herself spoke. The voice trembled.

“What are you-?”

Levi started but another flash of lightning interrupted him as Petra literally lunged herself onto his body. She could feel him stiffening and she wanted to apologise for her rude and abrupt behaviour but the thought was disturbed by a loud sharp noise in the heaven. She flinched and she thought he held her but at that moment, it was a little difficult to decipher any sense of reality.

Adrenaline was still pounding in her. Did she really imagine the titan or? But it was not possible, right? This is the castle inside the wall. This is safe-

“You are safe.”

His low voice reminded her of the summer music of a brook she spent her childhood days in. She relished in it. She missed her innocent days where sunshine and warm wind felt eternal. But she did not want to go back. Was she surprise about this revelation? Yes…well, no. No. She was not surprised… for she had always known that in this life of grime, blood, honours and deaths was where she did find him. And she would want to find him again and again, despite these nightmares that will haunt her for life.

“Oi, Petra. Let’s go back,” his voice was so soothing that Petra could only nod. She realised she was still clinging onto him and quickly let go, embarrassed. She opened her mouth to apologise but he had begun walking forward. Lightning strikes again and thunder echoed in the darkness of the corridor but a hand grasped her. She could feel her body visibly relaxing as she stared at the hand clasping hers. The adrenaline had faded away, substituted by tranquillity. She smiled. It felt safe. It felt like he would be there for her. He led her into her room, their hand still intertwined. It was a beat later that he slipped his hand off hers. A wave of disappointment coursed through, sweeping her back to reality.

“I am sorry. I just-” Petra launched into a mad blabbering but the man in front of her shrugged.

“I am going to go back,” Levi said. She nodded, fidgeting around in front of the bedroom door. She was reluctant to be alone, not after earlier. He stared back. She reached up to touch her hair, unsure what she should do. She felt like a little girl hovering around, vulnerable and small – everything she fought not to become as a soldier.

“Petra, you are blocking my exit.” Though the man said it bluntly, an ounce of amusement can be heard. The ginger head flushed, quickly moving aside. “S-sorry…” But he did not step forward. He gazed at her again with those orbs that seemed so hard to read. “Do you want some tea?”

“H-huh?” Petra looked at him with huge wide eyes.

“I was drinking tea. Thought you would want some… though they are fucking shitty, I would warn you first-”

Was he … embarrassed? Somehow the mere thought of him being loquacious made Petra broke into a small giggle, causing the man to widen his eyes slightly. She caught his expression and startled too. She…laughed? “I would love to,” she said, sounding rather coy to her own ears.

“It is really bad, Ral. Worse than Eren’s.”

She pouted. “I would love to,” she repeated.

“…Fine,” he relented, though he was looking away. He was oh so endearing, Petra thought. He sent her emotions on roller coaster rides all the time, bringing her low to an extreme high…though he could also bring her emotion down like this evening.

“I…I thought you wish to be alone,” she said hesitantly before changing her mind and deciding it was a wrong thing to say. Her hand flew to her agape mouth. “…Sorry, Heichou.”

But the man surprised her by saying, “I change my mind.”

“Hm,” she could only produce a sound of acknowledgement as he walked past her. He paused briefly, shoulder almost touching hers.

“…Petra, close your eyes and count to 30. I will be back.”

“Promise?”

“Have I ever broken one?”

“…No.”

He did not reply and left the room. She clenched her fists together and willed the next set of thunder to arrive slower. She was a bundle of nerve and fear but she held her eyes closed, squeezing them tightly together. The form of the titan began taking shape in her mind but she was quick to turn her thoughts to fond memories of a certain man. The sound of Levi’s voice drifted into her ears. She strained to listen, hoping it will erase her inappropriate thoughts.

“Miss Petra…heard screaming…” the voice was faint but Petra recognised it as Eren’s. Instantly, she felt guilty for waking him – and probably the rest of the residents – with her…well, episode. She had not even realised she had screamed. She sighed inwardly; she thought she was better…but… it was a wonder how it was almost a 180 degree change whenever Heichou was around.

“Yeah, she is okay.” His voice was clearer and Petra didn’t exactly know why but her heart skipped a beat hearing him. There were another few incoherent mumblings and it was only seconds later that the door opened again.

“27.5 seconds.”

She fluttered her eyelid opened, wincing when the lightning coincides with his words. “What?”

“Would you not counting?” He tilted his head a little to the side and inspected her quietly. She felt petrified to the spot under his smouldering dark eyes.

“Heichou?” She broke the silence. He blinked, as though as broken from a trance. They both glanced down at the tray in his hand. She watched as he put down the tray on her nightstand and cautiously poured the steaming tea into the cup – not letting a single drip on the table. She watched from the side line, observing that he had really longer slender fingers…

She chewed her thoughts apart the moment they entered her mind. Where was she going with that thought? He was her subordinate. He passed her the tea and she accepted it graciously. Their fingers brushed and she tried not to notice it but her body did. Changing her heart rate, making her feel incredibly self-conscious and gathering sweat on her palm.

She shifted her weight to one foot. “Thank you. And I am sorry for waking you…as well as everyone.”

“The brats were fine. Though their reaction time were a bit slow,” Levi frowned. “Anyway,” he directed his gaze at her. “I was awake.” She nodded. Heichou always slept late, especially during rainy days. “Were you having trouble sleeping?”

“It brings back bad memories.” He elaborated no more and Petra was reminded of how she would never be let into his world, his past and his memories. She was a stranger.

Biting her lips hard enough to draw blood, she took a sip of tea. The bitterness of it almost made her gagged and spit it out. But, knowing that the man was regarding her, she swallowed it docilely. “It taste good,” Petra raised her cup, placing a small smile on her face.

“You are a crap liar,” Levi snorted, crossing his arms. But he had a trace of smile on his lips. Then, his smile fell and a somber look crossed his visage.

“Oi, Petra, I want you to be more honest.”

!!!

Petra definitely did not mishear that one. He enunciated the sentence in a perspicuous manner.

“I-” she stalled, not knowing what her next word can be. She assumed he will fill in the gap but the quietness lengthened. He was waiting. Another furious rumble of the sky above the roof sounded, as though as urging her to say the words sitting on her tongue.

“I wish you will be more honest with me too,” Petra whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Just a heads up, next chapter should be the last if everything goes according to plan.
> 
> Edit: Reuploaded because I messed up the publication date.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: It was a crazy ride with this impromptu idea which was born from my break for The End of Time. I couldn't say enough thank you for the warm and supportive reviews and all of YOU who continuously read this piece of work. I am heartened and humbled. Thank you for being with me through out the entire journey. That said, we finally come to an end here. Because like Tony Stark said - the end is part of the journey. I am going to go back to writing The End of Time (shamelessly promoting here) so till we Rivetra again! I love you 3000.

* * *

Created

Definition: Brought (something) into existence

Final chapter

* * *

The weight of her words made her voice seemed even stronger than the storm rattling the windows.

Petra stared at the man, willing him to speak but knowing he will stay quiet. That was why when he did speak without a flicker of hesitation, she was flummoxed.

“I am.”

His voice was strangely grave, wiped of any casualness he usually used on people. Petra studied him, trying to ignore the way her heart pulsated faster than usual in her chest. The man’s expressions were inscrutable. But her face crumbled anyway. Was he lying even when she confronted him? The hurt inflicted upon her from this thought was unendurable even for her – her who had pride herself on having good pain tolerance. She took a step backward, her defence mechanism prompting her to do so.

“How about this evening?” Petra asked, eyes searching his. His orbs were dark – darker than the lifeless sky outside – but he gave nothing away. As always. Another painful stab. She was always a mere stranger in his life. She was a foolish girl, wasn’t she? But she pressed on because giving up now means something – something she did not want to think about. “Are your duties becoming increasingly onerous?”

Levi exhaled deeply. “Erwin gave me a difficult task,” he finally answered vaguely.

“I-I…can I help?” she muttered, keeping her eyes on him. That was the reason why she could have sworn his composure slides a little. But he did not speak.

Encouraged by his silence, she continued, not knowing where this scrap of courage came from but grateful for it nonetheless. “Heichou…why are you always not reaching out for help? We are all here,” Petra said. “I am here,” she added quietly as an afterthought but was quick to be worried that he heard. He gave no indication he did or did not. Instead, he continued gazing at her. Something snapped inside her and she went on with her speech.

“I felt so empty, so vacant, so…hollow before. But you saved me,” she flushed, words spilling out of her loosely, like she was drunk, like she was uninhibited. It could be the atmosphere and it could be the intoxicating glance he gave her…Petra would never know. But at this single moment, everything in the world diminished and it was just her, her words, her feelings and him. “Heichou, I am thankful. More than you will ever know. Pardon me for my rudeness. But you created this…these feelings in me. They are weird sensations... I feel safe like someone is bestowing upon me a warm embrace in a cold winter night, like there are wings behind me and I am flying and drifting and like my heart would burst any moment just from seeing you-! But what is weirdest of all is…is…I really like these feelings! I-that is why I…I…I really want to bear any responsibilities with you that you can possibly have!”

She paused there, catching her ragged breath. That was the only sound in the silent air. Even the storm had fallen deadly quiet outside. She stared at him, unwavering and determined. Then, as if everything was restarting, the wind picked up, another zigzag in the colour of astonishing white crossed the sky and the debonair man across her opened his mouth.

“You will regret it.”

His voice sounded so soft against the storm that had begun to rage. It reminded her of how frail he was. It was an epiphany. Humanity strongest soldier being vulnerable? It seemed unimaginable. Yet, here Petra was. Hearing a note of agony creeping in.

“I won’t,” she said resolutely.

Levi closed his eyes and he exhaled deeply. “My responsibilities are not yours to carry,” he opened his eyes again and fixed her an almost reprimanding glare.

“They are not,” Petra agreed and his features relaxed until her next sentence. “But I wish to be always by your side,” she finished.

Levi’s eyes were almost pitched black now and there was a dangerous aura swirling around him. Petra’s defence mechanism screamed at her to get away, get the hell out, but she braced herself. She would not back-off. She would not be afraid. Because shying away may means losing him. It was an ominous hunch that engulfed her.

Bracing herself, she instinctively licked her dry lips. Her eyes watched his as his gaze dropped to her lips. She could almost hear her heart picked up its rhythm. Nervous, she run her tongue over her lower lips, tasting an atmosphere that was charged with more than simply tension… there was another form of tension which she could not place.

“It is late,” his terse voice cuts the air and drove into her heart like a sharp blade. It was his way of saying this conversation was over. He will not acknowledge what she said. Neither will he tell her anything. Her heart sagged.

But she was a soldier who had bit her gum to survive even the toughest of training in the dead of winter where frostbite was very possible. She was also a soldier who had peed her pants in her first expedition but still found courage to walk on and face death squarely in its face. And she was able to pick herself up despite the deaths of her close comrades. Petra was not reckless; she was brave.

And she will not give up now.

Erasing her crestfallen expressions, she walked swiftly in front of the raven hair man and reached up to grab his hand. It startled both of them, though Levi’s reaction was barely more than a small shift of movement.

“What are you doing? He demanded.

She looked into his eyes unfalteringly. “Heichou, I wish to be by your side,” she repeated, breaking apart each word slowly to make her meaning come across clearly.

“Oi, Petra, a girl shouldn’t say that to a man randomly. Do you know what you are say-?”

“I mean I love you! Heichou is an idiot!” She exclaimed impulsively, frustrated at his lack of understanding to what she was conveying.

Shit. Petra, what the fuck did you just do to yourself? Or more importantly, what have you just said?

She widened her glance, staring blankly at the man in front of her as all logic in her flew away. Replaced by a numbing sense of anxiety. Her grip slipped from his. “I-I-I am sorry for calling you an idiot!” She saluted, squeezing her eyes shut, feeling the hot string of humiliated tears behind her eyelids.

There was silence hanging in the air and she felt incredibly small and vulnerable in those moments. After what seemed like an eternity but it could only be a few fleeting seconds, she heard a soft low noise that sounded like a chuckle.

Curiosity ignited in her and she pried her eyes opened.

Oh.

The sight before her made her heartbeats echoed loudly in her ears and blood to rush to her cheeks. 

In the coruscating silvery flash of lightning, his small smile that curled his lips just the slightest made him appear so dazzling and heartbreakingly gorgeous. Petra’s breath caught in her throat and she tilted her head slightly to look at his eyes. There was amusement dancing in them, chasing away the solemn that was just there not too long ago.

“Are you not apologising for also saying something else to me?”

Ensnared in a whirlwind of horror and disarray, she spluttered, “I-I am sorry for saying I love…” her words died on her lips as she realised what she was about to say again. She could feel the temperature in the room going several degree up. How dangerous.

“Hmm?” The man before her made a noise of discontent, as though as prompting her to continue. “Petra, do you not remember your basic manner toward your higher-up?”

Petra snapped her head up for she had lowered them in shame before. But when her eyes greeted his unfathomable irises, she quickly averted her gaze again. “I-I-”

He was not speaking which means he was waiting. Petra pondered over her decision and she gauged the distance between the door and her. If she made a break for it…

But she could have ran off earlier on, right? She still chose to stay so…leading to this was inevitable in some way. She mentally scolded herself. She thought there was an improvement in her relationship with the enigmatic and gentle man…but she just got to mess it all up…Oluo, Gunther and Erd, please help her…

Inhaling sharply, she said it in one go, words tripping out of her inelegantly. “I-I a-am so-sorry for say-saying Iloveyou…hmmph!”

She was rendered silent in the next few seconds or so. Because his lips were on hers. His cloyingly sweet and gentle lips that hid a hint of tanginess and secrets. That was the only thing that registered in Petra’s mind. It was only after he pulled away carefully that a plethora of feelings burst in her. She could detect happiness, love, excitement… and confusion?

“He…Heichou?” Petra said hesitantly, sure that her face was red if the feeling of feeling like her cheeks were on fire was any indication.

“Brats like you shouldn’t need to do what I do,” he said almost too softly for her to hear but she did. She extended her hand to touch his. He did not move away and she took it as a good sign.

“I am not a brat,” she reminded him, eyes narrowed and lips pouted. “Besides,” she started, letting the seriousness trickle into her voice and her expressions to morph into one of earnestness. “I created this promise.”

“Hm?”

“I said I am going to stay by your side.”

…

As though as she said something wrong, his posture stiffened and he slipped his hand away from her, angling his body slightly away from her. She frowned, feeling cold and dejected but most of all, extremely perturbed.

“Hei…chou?”

“Petra,” he finally said her name just like how she had said his. With that feeling of raw hurt and pain. It was rare to hear him speak like this and Petra felt concerned.

“Yes, Heichou?” She hesitantly replied.

“I am not going to ask the second time so listen carefully,” he said so quietly she strained to hear. “Can I kiss you again?”

!!!

Petra struggled to stifle her gasp and maintained her expressions.

He gave her an impatient glare so alike him. It was only then that she realised that he was bashful.

She laughed – a genuine laugh – that rang and competed with the ugly storm outside only to obviously emerge as a winner. He was adorable. But before he can react to that or take offence – which he will, Petra believed – she spoke. “Of course,” she smiled shyly.

The next second happened in a blur. He had invaded her personal space – she had welcomed it wholeheartedly – and kissed her for the second time. But she still noticed the small smirk that tugged on his lips before he had swooped down and claimed hers.

The kiss was every bit as lovely as the first. If not, more. With Petra in a less shell-shocked manner, she could appreciate his lips against her better. She was just thinking how they fitted together so perfectly when Levi nudged at her chin. She opened her mouth obediently, letting his tongue slid in to explore her. A mixture of nerves and wants threatened to make her explode.

He pulled away, a chain of saliva connecting them together. Petra blushed but the man she loved seemed to brush it off. He leaned in and Petra widened her amber irises as he rested his forehead against her.

“I will create a promise too.”

His warm breath caressed her and she felt like this was all a dream. A very blissful dream.

“You will?” She responded dazedly.

“As long as your heart beats, mine will beat with you.”

!!!

Petra was speechless. There was nothing that could describe what she felt. Thoughts cannot be put into words. Feelings cannot be translated. This moment – just this single moment – made her redefine her entire existence.

“Oi, are you crying?” The raven hair man asked, perplexity and concern written in eyes. His eyes…they seemed softer but she was not too sure because her eyesight had went blurry.

She was crying. “I…I…thank you, Heichou.”

The man sighed. “Why do you always say thank you to me?”

“Because I am thankful?” Petra peered at him innocently, not knowing what he meant.

“…It is my fault you had all your nightmares. I killed the squad-”

“You did not,” Petra interrupted abruptly. It seemed to cause the man in front of her to pull short. Realising what she did was rude for a soldier, she hastily apologised. “I mean…sorry for interrupting, Heichou.”

“I don’t deserve your sorrys and thank yous.”

Petra opened her mouth to argue but she closed her mouth again slowly. She measured him for a good minute or so, noticing how his jaws clamped tight and how he had almost a pained look, masked so well underneath all the tough exterior he put on. An ache bloomed in her, slowly singeing her vein and blood. “No one is accountable for the deaths in expedition. Certainly not you, Heichou. We all choose to do this. Did you force us into Survey Corps? No. You merely gave us an opportunity to do much more for humanity in your squad. For that, we are grateful. We all love you, Heichou,” Petra paused as a thought entered her mind. She hesitated.

Seeming to notice the pregnant pause, Levi exhaled. “Petra-” then, he fell silent. Petra’s heart fluttered in her chest and she could hardly contain herself. There were emotions swirling in the surrounding air and she felt trapped and scared and nervous but also undeniably hopeful.

“You should rest early.”

His voice reverberated in the stilled air. It was followed by a loud roar of thunder, shattering not only the air inside the room, but also her heart. She felt foolish all of the sudden again.

The raven hair man began moving away, creating distance between them. She stared at the ever widening gaps between their feet. Before she thought it through, she hurriedly tugged at his wrist. “Heichou! Can…Can I…” she gulped, her newfound courage deserting her.

“Spit it,” Levi said in his usual brusque tone but it held a trace of curiosity.

“Permission to kiss Heichou?” She blurted it out, believing she had screwed up badly when he did not reply instantly.

“Permission granted.”

She shot her head up, bewildered. But he was staring at her, waiting. Face wiped cleaned of expressions and only a glint of something in his irises that betrayed him. But even then, Petra cannot read the man in front of her. Realising he was waiting, she once against closed the space between them and pressed her lips to his.

Almost immediately, she felt warmth seeping through her. The world seemed to recede and she couldn’t hear anything – not the storm nor the occasional sounds from within the castle. It was just the two of them and it felt absolutely wonderful.

She lets him guide her from there. If Petra was clear-minded, she would have perceived that he was as enthusiastic about this kiss as she was. But because her mind was foggy with love and something akin to lust, nothing was quite making sense.

“Hmm…” she breathed huskily as his lips travelled south to give her time to breathe and he pressed against the sensitive patch of her skin on her neck. Then, his lips were meeting hers again but this time with more fervour. His hands cupped her flushed cheeks and catch her lower lips between his teeth before biting down on it gently.

Petra gasped, feeling heat blooming in her lower abdomen. Her eyes instantly fluttered closed again but his voice called out to her.

“Petra, look at me.”

She slowly opened her eyes and his two pools of beautiful grey met her sight. She almost choked on a lungful of air at this picture-perfect moment. Her heart drummed against her chest and she felt like she may drift off any moment…

“Don’t ever say you want to stay by my side. It is no good.”

She landed back in reality with a bump. He was still holding her cheeks gingerly and his cold words didn’t suit this softness.

“I want to stay by your side.”

“Petra-!” He hissed harshly and she could almost feel the anger emitting from him in waves.

“I don’t want to be a stranger! Stop pushing me away, Heichou-”

“Levi.”

“Huh?”

“Say Levi.”

“He-Levi…” It felt so foreign on her tongue but yet so pleasant. Like experiencing something new for the first time but knowing you will be addicted to it. She felt her flush returning. “Didn’t Heich…Levi create the promise just a few minutes ago?”

“I did.”

“Won’t you…keep it?”

“I will.”

“…But?”

“But it is still no good. You will regret it.” The pain in his voice was evident.

“Why?” Petra questioned, though it sounded more like pleading.

…

Only silence. Petra sighed. Tiptoeing a little, she boldly pressed a kiss on his forehead. He became rigid but did not attempt to move away. “It is okay. Even if I am a stranger-”

“You are not.”

Petra trailed off, stunned. “What?”

“Didn’t I say you are fucking dense?”

“And you are confusing, Heic…Levi,” she blushed at the sound of his name on her tongue.

Without warning, he suddenly wrapped an arm around her small waist and she yelped. Pulling her extremely close to his chest, he put his head over hers.

She thought she will combust.

“I am a shitty person. I will keep using you over and over again for humanity.”

“I know.”

“…”

“I said I know to the second part. You are my higher-up. We will always go on expeditions together and I may not come back. But you are a good person. I fell apart, Hei-Levi…I did. But you created this me again. You build me back and piece me together. And that is why…I won’t regret it. I…I love you.”

There. She said it. It was out in the air. There seemed to be a finale to it. Sensing no reply, she buried her face into his jacket for a quick moment, savouring this precious instant that will fade into memories they will never talk about.

Don’t cry, Petra. Don’t cry. You expected it.

But she was already crying. Tears were leaking out of her eyes despite her feeble opposition.

Shit, Heichou…Levi will scold her for dirtying his jacket.

“Petra,” he addressed her and she nodded against him, unable to find strength and courage to look him in the face. “Can you hear me?”

“Huh-hmp!” Petra was about to ask what the meaning of his words was when he dropped himself on the floor, pulling her into his chest. She stopped breathing for a second.

“Oi, can you hear my heartbeat?”

She could. It was a drumming against her ear that was almost like a soft lullaby. It made her very aware of how human Heic…Levi was. No matter how stoic he appeared, no matter his immense strength and polished physical combat skills, no matter how heroic he was, this soothing sound of his heart beating was a reminder that he too was human.

Petra always felt that his heart was trapped in a steel cage. But there was never supposed to be the case. A heart was made to spill love into every recess of the mind and soul. It was with this thought that came with an epiphany. She wanted to be the one holding the key. She wanted to create a key to unlock the cage.

“Heich...Levi, it is nice like this,” she spoke softly, positive that she was blushing but she could hardly comprehend the situation, much less her physiological reaction.

“Tch,” the man suddenly sounded annoyed and she frowned, tilting her head upward.

“What is wr-hmphhh!”

He had swooped down to claim her lips again. His strong arms wrapped around her torso, pulling her even closer until she was practically sitting on his lap. She fluttered her eye shut as his tongue swiped against her own. Only for them to fly open as his mouth travelled downward to her neck, pressing open kisses on her sensitive skin.

“Petra,” he spoke against her throat and she had to fight a shiver. Subconsciously, she began gripping onto his jacket with one hand while the other tangled in his dark locks.

“Hmm?” She asked dazedly.

“You need to,” he started trailing lazy kisses down her neck to her collar. “Learn to be less dense.” His hand moved forward to pull her straps down while his mouth continued his ministrations.

“My heart was beating really loudly just now,” Levi hummed against her shoulder. Her heart skipped a beat.

“Louder and faster than ever,” the man continued. Another hand gently tugged at the front of her dress, exposing her cleavage. But Petra was not paying attention to that anymore.

Did he meant what she think?

But she did not want to be silly again so she opted to be ambiguous. “Why?”

“Hm…” Levi made a noise of contemplation but he sounded distracted. Petra was about to open her mouth again when he licked her cleavage line. Instead of words, a soft moan slipped from her mouth. She blushed at the sound but this seemed to spur the Humanity Strongest Soldier on.

“What do you think?” He asked breathily, hot air blowing across her chest area. She fought a shiver.

“What do I thin-ahh!” Startled by the abrupt fingers tugging her shirt down even further, she pulled away. She clutched onto her shirt, eyes darting to his in confusion. But he just stared without moving, hands still outreached. Finally, he conceded, putting his hands down.

“Ral, this is not an order. If you don’t want to-”

“I want! I want this, Heichou!” Petra interrupted, hand flying to touch his chest. His eyes were unfathomable before he spoke.

“Then keep your promise to call me Levi,” he reminded her and before she could reply, his lips found her again. She tilted her head, closing her eyes as the mere feel of his lips – his – brought about a wave of excitement. Her hand began moving downward almost against her subconscious, feeling the strength of the man’s prominent muscles underneath the clothes against her fingertips. Her hands crept downward and stalled.

She had never touched a man down there before and fear and anxiety joined the excitement in her stomach. If she were someone else, perhaps she would back down but she was Petra Ral, handpicked by this man personally.

Breaking the kiss and braving herself, she stared at the man she loved and slipped her hand into his pants, feeling something hard. It was only a moment later that she corrected herself. It was hard but the skin was velvety soft against her palms. It was…a peculiar sensation.

He took her hand in his and with another, he stripped his pants effortlessly despite being on the floor.

Petra could only stare. Her mouth went dry. Was it her and was it too big for his height…

“Tighter like this,” the man said quietly as his hand wrapped around hers and she stole a quick glance at him. He showed no indication what his feelings were, though she noticed his irises darkening.

She followed his hand that guided hers but after a few seconds, he lets go. Petra took that as an invitation to continue on her own. Braving herself, she slid her hand over his length, marvelling at how he seemed to grow bigger with every stroke. Enticed, she lowered herself down and peered at it closely. It seemed to resemble a mushroom. She wondered if it tasted like one too…

Her tongue flickered out and licked the reddening top of his length. There was a sharp intake of breath from above her. Blinking curiously, she continued another lick and realised there was liquid oozing out of the tip. Using her hand, she spread the fluid over his length.

How did she know what to do? And why did she feel so hot…

“Don’t stop.”

His voice from above seemed a little uneven but she nodded anyway. She continued licking his tip but this time, she used her hand to move up and down from tip to base.

It was only when there was an almost inaudible groan did she look up. The raven hair man’s pupil were blown wide and his steel grey irises were pitched dark. Etched on his face was an expression Petra never seen before. It made her felt…almost scared, almost unsafe but also felt an undeniable feeling of delight that soared in her. Beneath her palm, he pulsed around her.

She suddenly realised that Heichou…Levi was flustered. That thought made her laughed amusingly.

He was annoyed even in his aroused state as he tched at her, making her laugh even harder. It was only when she felt him hoisting her up that she shut her mouth.

“What-oomph!” The air in her flew out as she landed on her bed. Her eyes darted to his as he loomed ominously over her. In between her catching her breath and locating him, he had shrugged off his shirt.

The ginger hair beauty found herself staring at his naked form. From his chiselled countenance to his abdomen taut with lean muscles to … wait, did that just grow bigger or was it just her?

“Heicho-” she broke off, hastily correcting herself upon his glare. “Levi, is that…did it just…erm…become bigger?”

He raised an eyebrow and his eyes danced with amusement and something else…something darker. But before Petra could ask again for he had not reply, he was pressed against her. As his hardness greeted her abdomen, she gasped but it was quickly swallowed by his kiss. It was more frantic now as though as time was running out. He attacked her lips mercilessly, hand reaching out to massaged her clothed breast in slow kneading motion.

When his lips left hers to allow breathing, she was hazy with all his ministrations. It was only when she realised that his hand had left her chest and he had carefully freed her from her confined space that she began searching for him desperately.

“Is it okay?” His voice was unusually soft. Petra did not reply until she was sure her eyes were locked with his.

Soft amber against hardened grey.

Hardened grey that did not suit this gentle voice. There was a fluttering in her heart because she knew – she just knew – that she was special enough to hear this.

“Yes, Levi.”

There was no stuttering in her voice as she said his name lovingly.

He did not reply but bent down to give her a saccharine kiss – one that she was sure she would remember for as long as she live. But instead of prolonging the kiss, he inched downward. A moan of displeased protest from the ginger head was rudely interrupted by the loud gasp that followed. He had pulled down the dress to expose her chest and the vulgar act of it made her blush.

“Hm…there is more to come,” Levi mused and Petra was about to question his meaning when he took her nipple in his mouth. She found herself arching into the man above her as pleasure rippled in her, turning every thought of hers into ashes. He continued for a few minutes before switching to attend to the other globe.

“Heichou-!”

His hand gently twisted her other nipple. “Levi.” He commanded.

“L-levi! Please! No more!” Petra writhed under his ministrations.

“Hm…” he answered almost absentmindedly as he pressed soft kisses onto her breasts before he looked at her again.

“May I?”

She nodded mutely, allowing him to undress all of her with her assist. For a minute, she felt more vulnerable than ever but he melted all the insecurities away with his words.

“You are beautiful.”

Before Petra could reply, he had started moving south again. Petra could only curled her toes in this frustrating pleasure as his tongue swiped her belly before using his fingers to brush against her lower abdomen-

Arrows of fire and desire shot through her vein and she was sure she was about to combust. “Levi, please…please…” she breathed out.

“Hmm…what do you want?” he was almost teasing her. She was sure. His tongue lapped at her inner thigh. Her lips parted.

“Don’t make me say it! It is embarrassing!” Petra’s chest rose as she stared down at the man who gripped her thigh and pressed it against his cheeks. She flushed at the erotic sight.

Planting a kiss on her inner thigh which resulted in her shuddering, he chuckled. “You are the one who makes me want to do embarrassing things.”

“Huh-!”

He had dipped his tongue into her cavern. Latched his mouth onto a part of her she had failed to understand in her biology lesson when she was younger. But now she wished she did pay more attention in this class. Because this feeling – this amount of pleasure in her virgin body – was such a powerful sensation that it reduced her to a moaning and squirming mess.

Undeterred, the man in between her legs continued altering between licking languidly and sucking on her clit. Throwing her head back, she squeezed her eyes shut and surrendered to her strangled cries and moans that filled the room.

It was akin to being burnt. Only much more than that. There were the bolts of electricity that ran across her veins and the tightness in her lower abdomen. And it was just getting hotter and tighter…hotter and tighter…

She almost didn’t feel his finger prod her walls with all the pleasure but she did. Because it suddenly became too much. It was too much-

“Levi I am going to-!”

The circuit went off in her and the tightness uncoiled. There was a moment of silence – of nothingness – before she crashed back into reality, arching herself off the bed while shuddering and tensing. For a long moment there was all she could do before she flopped herself back and laid in a sweaty and boneless mess on the soft duvet.

Her eyes immediately sought for his and was almost startled to see him looking at her with such…there was no civilised way to describe it. He looked absolutely starving.

He crawled over her and glanced down at her. “Is this your first time?”

“Yes.”

“And you can say no to me now. I will stop.”

“I want it.”

“It will hurt,” he warned, hand stroking his length.

“Okay,” she whispered.

That was all the permission he needed before he positioned himself right at her opening and pushed in. Taking her virginity.

Petra was a soldier who endured close death experiences which means suffering underneath gaping wounds, broken bones under fragile skins and rivulets of scarlet blood. But this pain that erupted within her made her cringe outwardly. It was like something too big and too hard was stuffed in her and she was ripping apart.

“Nngh-!” Her cry was agonising even to her own ear.

“Shh…” His soft voice reached hers and she pried opened her eyes to stare through her misty lens. The way he stared at her … it was so gentle and so soothing that it felt like a balm to her torment.

“Relax, Petra. I am all inside you,” he was whispering and it was the softest utter she ever heard from him. Warmth swelled in her and it almost made the pain bearable. Almost. She huffed and attempted to end this as soon as possible by moving her hips. The pain doubled but that was not the biggest surprise Petra had.

Upon her decision, Levi hissed through gritted teeth. “Petra, stay fucking still.”

She blinked through her tears, trying to place his expressions. Was…was he losing his calm because of her movement?

The very thought hit her like a rock. She attempted to roll her hips again to test out her little hypothesis and sure enough, he groaned. Ignoring her own pain, she tried again and again until the man had to grab her hip.

“Petra, fucking just-” he paused and Petra stared at him, curious as to why he stopped. Her breath hitched when his finger suddenly brushed away stray tears she uncontrollably leaked from her eyes from the discomfort. She was so driven to see his pleasure and his twisted grimaces that fascinated her. Knowing that she was the only person who could possibly see this now.

Caught in her thought, she was brought back to attention by the raven hair man wetting his fingers.

“What are you-ahhhhh…” she trailed off as he rubbed her in that particular area again. “Hei-Levi, no! It is embarrassing-ahhh…nhh…” Undiscouraged, the man she loved continued fingering her, touching her in all the right places. Without realising, the pain started to mellow out and there was a blooming ache replacing the dull agony.

“Ha…” Petra’s moan slipped out when Levi started rocking his hips and she rose hers to meet his. There was that feeling again. Burning hot. She fluttered her eyes shut for a fleeting moment only to open again when his lips claimed hers in a fervent kiss. Their tongues exchange greeting and it felt so familiar at that point Petra almost sighed blissfully. If not for the next thrust.

“Nn!” Petra widened her eyes as the bed quivered underneath the man’s strength. “Ha…hmm…” A sharp sensation of delight that fell upon her was so delicious that she could only whimper. She stole a quick glance at the man above her. With his obsidian locks glistening with sweat and his expressions still tender, she smiled, reaching out to cradle his face in the midst of all the sweet pleasure.

“Levi…do that again,” she whispered shyly. The man above her raised an eyebrow and thrusted harder again. The bed frame protested as it collided with the wall. But Petra could not hear it. Only that overwhelming sensation and the roaring of the approaching climax.

Levi’s pace started increasing and there was unevenness in it. Petra could only held on closer to him, legs wrapped even tighter around his waist. She was about to close her eyes when he buried his head into her shoulder, but not fast enough for her to miss the animalistic grunt. The sound sparked something in her and then it was over.

Everything exploded into colours and there was nothing but the heat of her core and the warmth that spread in her body to her fingertips.

Then, she felt something warm and sticky inside her as the man above her collapsed, joining her in her blissful heaven.

* * *

 It was later when her eyelids were heavy with sleep and she was struggling to stay awake when she saw his figure raising from the bed. She panicked.

Don’t go-!

But she could not find the strength in her to get up. Her eyes were really closing on their own accord despite her failing attempt to stay awake.

The last she heard was a- 

* * *

 “Petaa?”

“It is mummy,” Petra corrected lightheartedly as she finished washing the toddler’s utensils.

“Petaa, Petaa is gwoing out?”

“You will stay with grandpa today, okay?”

“Petaa is gwoing to fwind Levi?”

“Yes.”

The toddler’s cherry-coloured bottom lips stuck out. It quivered. Petra watched with almost amusement and sympathy as the toddler began spilling big fat tears.

“Mummy loves you. I will see you soon, okay?” Petra walked over to the little girl with dark hair tied in pigtails and landed a loving kiss on her forehead.

“I love Petaa too,” the toddler was quick to wipe her tears and beamed. The bright smile warmed the gingerhead’s hair.

“Petra, you are going to be late!” Her father hollered from the hallway. She sighed reluctantly.

“I am leaving, honey.”

“Bwe savfe.”

Petra’s last glance of her daughter before she left home was imprinted in her head. It will be a long while before she saw the little girl again because the expedition could take more than 2 weeks.

“Welcome back!”

Those were the first few words she heard before she even set foot on the training ground. Petra smiled, placing the little girl’s radiant smile into her heart and locking it.

“Thank you,” she returned the grin from Hanji. The tall squad leader patted her on her back. “It is officially your first day back but I hope the trainings you did this past spring is still in your head.”

“Tch, are you doubting my teaching?”

The women turned and Levi was standing there with Erwin. Petra casted a wary glance at the blonde man but he just smiled genuinely. All the weird gazes and looks he gave her were gone ever since-

She cannot exactly remember when. But it seemed that along with the bizarre experiences, Levi was back on talking term with the man which was a relief. There was a period the raven hair man refused and the Survey Corps was a mess. But now… the military fraction seemed to be doing better. The Royal Government was, surprisingly, giving the support and fund they needed for the recent expeditions. She also heard that younger children were enrolling into the military and the Survey Corps expect more manpower in the coming years…

“Welcome back.”

She turned just as the warm summer wind breezed through her hair, causing the mass of honey locks to fall into her eyes. Just as the same time his mouth opened to form something she cannot decipher because of her partially blocked vision. She frowned, pushing her tresses away. “Pardon?”

She swore…she swore it was something similar to that night-

The way those lips part-

_I am sorry…?_

“Welcome back,” his lips curled a little but the light did not reach his eyes. Petra hesitated. Ever since that night…even though it felt like a revelation for them but…why did the distance felt even greater than before…

But she knew she must continue on. There were promises she created for the man and him for her. And despite these seemingly insignificant issues, they had a common goal to not only defend humanity but also to create a happier and better future for that little girl at home.

She looked at him squarely in the eyes. Those eyes she love. This man she devoted her entire life to. This man who created this destiny with her.

She smiled. “I am back, Levi.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Don't do this. Don't choose this ending.
> 
> Also me: Chose this ending.
> 
> To me, it is the most realistic ending because the dichotomy between the love for Petra and the responsibility for humanity is rigid for Levi.
> 
> That said, I hope you all enjoy the story and once again, thank you for your support. It is cherished.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I am actually super nervous posting this because I felt that the plot is going to be questioned a lot by the readers. I mean, I questioned it too. But I thought the fun part about fanfiction is to make it realistic enough and cover your own plot hole! Haha. Constructive criticisms and reviews are welcome! Side note: This is going to be a short story. Probably two-shots or three-shots - the story can be found on fanfiction.net too. Big love to you all, always. For the immense support and loyalty to the ship!


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